I remember what it felt like during my childhood. Unlike other children I never had imaginary friends. I always imagined an older version of myself keeping me company and offering wisdom. In that vein I have decided to write a letter to myself during the darkest days of my life when I was the loneliest.
I had just moved from Bakersfield California to Fountain Valley California. This was the second time I had moved, I had lived in Bakersfield for only three years, and I had to start all over again making friends but this time it was really hard. The culture shock alone was tough but in addition to that I was bullied. I was called a hippy because of my long hair and an Oakie because I had lived in Bakersfield- I would not learn the meaning of that latter insult until I read the despicable book Grapes of Wrath. Further, for the first time I was placed into Special Education Classes that held me back in the areas of Math and English because of my dyslexia leading to further bullying. The other kids in the special education class had terrible attitudes, probably an adaptation for their academic shortcomings, and were (in my mind) somewhat dangerous. At least one of them was a drug dealer which is not something I had encountered in Bakersfield. Finally, my parents had just under gone a traumatic issue in their relationship. I will not divulge the details but they were not getting along well and it was traumatic for me. We had moved during what was a family crisis that was not spoke about and lay in our subconscious. __________________________________________________________________ Dear Bridget, I know that you feel alone and that no one understands you. I will not tell you that it gets better right away. I know that you have a rough road ahead. This is not to intimidate you, I just want to be honest that it does not get any easier. Things will get better but life is a process of building an idea of yourself that is then broken down and rebuilt anew. I do have some advice for you. Being Unpopular Is Awesome! You might think that the popular kids somehow have it better than you. I will tell you that they do not. You are an introvert and that is perfectly normal. That just means that you don't need a big group of friends but a few meaningful relationships to find value in your life. You are blessed in this because extroverts have a harder time dealing with people judging them and they don't experience the depth of the relationships that you will have as you progress in life. Further, for the popular kids their 'best time of their lives' are within their childhood. Once they are out of High School they are no one and struggle with their identity. Those six years where they were popular in school define your their life. That means a mere 1/7th of their life was good and the spend the rest of it trying to recapture their glory days. That's sad. Don't look at the popular ones with jealousy but some sadness. For them, this is the best their life will ever get. Once you're free from the misery of school you will have decades of wonderful years to experience because the best times, for you, lay ahead. Keep Reading and Playing Video Games I know that people seem to think your weird and your parents can't understand that you disappear into your books or video games. I know that you will even have a teacher call a parent teacher conference when she finds out that you are engrossed in reading The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. They think you're being lazy and can't understand why you're doing this but I understand. I know that for you this is an escape and I tell you this is a healthy one. Ignore the people who will tell you contrary. By reading and playing video games you are learning skills that will aid you later in life during jobs and relationships. Further, you're vocabulary and reading skill will surpass anything that the teachers could have taught you. You're also releasing stress and dealing with the exceedingly tough psychological situation that you are in. Keep it up, this is a healthy vent for that stress. All of your best and long lasting relationships will be forged from people who read the same books, play the same video games, listen to the same music and watch the same movies as you (including your soulmate). Do not settle for what everyone else does because those few rare gems of friendship you will find when your older will be worth it! Dyslexia Isn't The End Of The World The condition isn't really a learning disability and doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. You'll learn that your brain is just wired a little differently. There are dyslexic people who are physicists and they are a special kind of brilliant. While you'll never be the best at math you'll eventually master the basics enough to earn three college degrees and you can mop the floor with people regarding English. The teachers in public school are simply holding you back because they don't understand how dyslexia works and don't know how to teach you. You'll be fine. Don't Hurry To College College in some ways will become highly overrated. Major firms will discover that a college degree doesn't make a good employee. There will be so many people with degrees that many will end up in minimum wage jobs owing a lot of money to people they can't afford. Further, some spend nearly a decade in college changing their minds on degrees several times and then can't get a job so it's a waste of time to go there directly after school. Work A Few Jobs Before College Instead, take your time and learn what you do and don't like. Get a job, actually get a few of them. Try to stay a year at the jobs that you hate so that it looks good for other employers but try a variety. When you find one that you like and you like the people stick with it. If a degree can help you with that job then get one to climb the ranks. There are a lot of options, including online college, that you can do while working at which you will thrive. You don't have to walk the same path that everyone else does and I discourage you in doing so. You're not a cow to be herded, you're an individual with the will and intelligence to forge your own path. You're still learning who you are and it's way too early to start talking about what job you'll hold for the rest of your life. At the same time, do not be afraid to be a lifer. If you like a job then stick with it because people who stay in one job for a long time (especially union) do benefit. People will come and go as you work at different places, you'll make good friends and it will help you build a strong foundation for life. Have A Few Boyfriends Relationships are like hats. Sometimes you have to try a few on to see if they fit before you find the right one. They do not need to be forever. That other person doesn't need to complete you. You should be a complete and whole person on your own with your own personality and interests before you date. I encourage you to be opinionated and share those opinions with your significant other. If they disagree vehemently know that it is not going to work and they are definitely not a keeper. Don't stay with someone that does not have the same values or interests as you just because you're comfortable. That will only spell misery for you both. When you break up with someone it is not the end of the world. You will never have a love exactly like that one. If you learn why it didn't work, which will take some time and distance from the breakup event, you will eventually find the right one. You will meet a lot of interesting guys. A few of them will break your heart. Eventually, you will find your soulmate and strangely it will be because of one of your favorite books, Ender's Game. By dating quite a few and moving on you'll find what works best for you that way you will know which one to keep forever. What's the Point? This is a big one. What is the point of all of this sorrow? What is the point of such heartache and feeling so alone? The meaning of life is to have experiences, whether they are good or bad. That is where the beauty of life exists. All we have are an endless strings of moments strung together by our awareness. So don't hurry to the next one or try to escape the current moment too much. Revel in that moment, Enjoy that moment. Seek the depth of the experience in all of it's layers because that is where we find the deepest meaning in our life. Each moment is made ever sweeter, as well, in that you will never have it again. So enjoy the highs and respect the lows. Everything Breaks Things Break, there are time limitations on things including a mode of life. You will gain great wisdom from overcoming the obstacles that you find in your way and overcoming your heartache. You will, many times, find your life is taken apart quite suddenly, and that you will have to rebuild yourself anew. You will make a treasure trove of friends in that process. After each cycle of being broken down and rebuilt you will come back stronger, smarter and wiser. Change is Constant Everything changes. Life is transient in nature. This moment will pass, the current depressing situation that you are in will come to an end. This is the way life works. Always remind yourself what a Sufi poet once wrote when going through a difficulty, "This too shall pass." Also remember in the sublime moments of happiness are also temporary so savor them and enjoy it while it lasts. You will always face a new challenge. This is what keeps life interesting and gives us the variety of experiences through which we can grow our unique expression of self. You will not be miserable forever. You will have some incredibly high points in the future and some incredibly low points. There is no sorrow in a moment passing, just the savoring of it and the joy of approaching a new experience. For now, you are all alone in your struggles but I promise one day you will find many others like yourself. Take heart that there are far better times ahead. Not all of them will be easy but it is what we do in our darkest hours that define us the most. Sincerely, You're Older Self
0 Comments
|
Author:
Thank You For Visiting
Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
|