The Path is a Spiral.
When we don't learn a lesson the first time we will come back to it...time and time again. Then there are occasional Pop Quiz's (I have to credit Jamie Sams fo that name) thrown in for good measure to make sure we haven't relapsed to our previous behaviors. You may have noticed a huge change. I've taken a break from YouTube and I've taken a break from my personal Facebook. The combination of personal drama and a small hemmorraging event (if I hadn't gone through something similar several times I'm sure I would have gone to the Emergency Room but I've learned they don't do anything but wait around to see if a person will bleed out enough to need a blood transfusion.) episode that was a part of my body healing from c-section triggered my PTSD. I stayed home, continued to take care of Michelle, tried to keep off my feet and tracked how many heavy 10 hour pads I soaked through in an hour. My husband barely noticed- I really have to freak out for him to notice stuff. Steps I Took To Heal From This Dark Night The details aren't as important as the lesson. Thanks to studying the Path Of The Seeker from different perspectives I can, thankfully, remember steps to reclaim my center when I'm knocked off balance. At first during the dark night it's hard not to sulk. A big part of experiencing that first phases, called Calcination in Alchemy, is to allow the feelings and learn from them. I always shoved down the unpleasent feelings trying to hide or ignore them hoping the situation that gave rise to them will go away. However, in psychology that's called repression and they always come back...just a lot stronger and at really inconveinant times. Naming The Cause First, I have to recognize that this is a response to feeling neglected. Now, my mom was a clean freak who obsessed over cleaning the house. She spent more time cleaning the house then with me when she was a housewife. Then when she got a job she became obsessed with it and continues to be today. She just doesn't have time for anything else in her life but her job, a little gossip and the news. So, that's the origin of the conditioned response. Over the last three or so years, my husband has neglected our relationship preferring a fellow muscian and Sunday "band" practice every week. The guy was a third wheel even through my pregnancy. They even went to a concert and comedy club together. Not only did he spend almost all day at my house every Sunday, with a meal out, but every Friday when I had an OB appointment he had to meet up with us for lunch. In truth, I felt like I was the third wheel in my own marriage. This gave rise to huge jealous issues, here I was experiencing a very important moment in my life and my husband had to drag someone else into it. To say it was an unpleasent experience is an understatement. I even went so far to demand if my husband was gay. So, that triggered my negative conditioned response from childhood. I try to not be a burden on someone elses time because, deep dowm, I hold the beliefI'm not worthy of thir time or as important as other people. Asking For Spiritual Help Naming the isue is a big step but this is the second step is the hardest for me. I don't have anyone in the flesh that I trust to help me with these issues. So, I ask for spiritual instruction and the overwhelming response was I need to stop protecting and trying to save Ross. The Core Belief/Behavior Next, is to identify the core belief that gives rise to this recurring paatern. Feeling like I'm in the back seat of my life has been a recurring event in all of my relationships. Both my parents are narcisstic, my close friends were all narcissitic and all my ex's. I'm what Lee Harris refers to as a "Rescuer Empath". With newly clear eyes I can view my relationships for what they were now that I can see this pattern. I blamed myself when Ross constantly made selfish decisions. I made my needs small and went without alot. How many girlscan say they went shopping for new clothes three times in ten years? For soe reaspn (though I know better for myself) I though if all of my husbands greatest desires were fulfilled he'd be happy. I worked my butt off going to school full time while being a full time supervervisor when we first met. Then a manager with 50+ hour weeks for three years. Then I nearly worked full time for three more years. All the while I did all of the cooking (he never liked any over the 100 dishes I made for him) and household chores except cleaning the cats litter box, and mowing the yard and taking the trash bins to the curb once a week. While I've learned for myself that material objects won't make me happy during my spiritual journey...I tend to shower those I love with presents. I was operating from that old paradigm in my relationship with my husband. I realize, because I made my needs small and was ok sacrificing my needs because I was willing to do whatever it took to get to a place where we could both be happy and start a family...I let him run amok. I realized that it began at the very beginning of our marriage. I was going to school full time and working as a supervisor full time in addition to household chores, although, at the time we lived in a two bedroom apartment so there were hardly any. I thought it was really cool his Dad offered to pay for whatever Honeymoon we wanted. Ross asked me what my dream honeymoon was and I said a Cruise around the Greek Islands. I trusted him, because he had far less on his plate because he was just a regular worker at the company he worked at doing around 40 hours a week he could plan it. I beleived him when he said that he had 'made a mistake' and didn't include the plane tickets for the trip in the amount he asked for from his Dad. We were, he said, taking our honeymoon during the peak season and he didn't want to ask his Dad for more money. So, he asked if I would mind if we spent that money on buying the motorcycle? I had a lot on my plate, as I said, and would have to do homework on the honeymoon so I decided fine...it had been a hassle to get a passport anyways. I made the best of our strictly budgeted frantic $1000 budget honeymoon but it was far from romantic. That set the trend. Since then Ross has kept me on a very small budget. I had a set amount of fun money $40, I could spend on my needs, per month. Meanwhile, his music and any tools he wanted to buy didn't have to come out of his fun money budget (he used it on food mostly) because, supposedly, they could possibly make us money. He needed the tools for his work. Nine years later and he has not even attempted to relase a song and he hasn't made a dime on his music but he's spent thousands of dollars. The past nine years have been littered with Ross meeting all of his needs while hating everything I wanted to do. When I had a little extra money that was mine for building websites for a few people I took him to Disneyland. He was miserable and the trip was pretty awful. I paid for him to get a massage, my first, along with me...and he said that the woman who gave him a massage actually hurt him. He was ungrateful for anything I tried to do for him (not entirely his fault, though, his entire family is that way). Meanwhile, every goal that he ever had has been met. I was elated when I realized that around June of last year...but of course, as we know on the Path of the Seeker, that wasn't enough. He got into a new hobby I couldn't support- guns and shooting. To the point where he was late for his cousins meeting Michelle for the first time, because he threw togeter a group of people to go shooting at the last minute. He paid thousands of dollars for guns, ammunition, cases, cleaning materials, and targets....and then even had his best friend lie. The Lesson I need to stop keeping my needs small and sacrificing what I want for my husband. He is not going to be happy even if he doesn't. I've allowed him to get away with his bad behavior for 9 years. I can honestly he has everything he ever wanted and he's not happy. I did the best I could and I am done. So if I want something. I"m going to buy it. Conclusion I had this same sork of wake up call back in 2014 but I wasn't strong enough to see it for what it was. Back then, I was pregnant and eating Healthy Choice meals at lunch and Ross would yelled at me if I went out to eat lunch with the other pregnant girl at work. He wouldn't let me quit the job even though I felt I was endangering my daughter and he held me to the strict budget because he needed my income to qualify for our house. He controlled my diet because he was concerned for the babies health...seemingly good intentions but woefully misguidede. Meanwhile, after my daughter was born prematurely I discovered during that entire time he had been going to 7/11 and buying slurpees almost every day. So, here I am back where I was in 2014. I have revisited everything that led to the crisis that led me to being on disability for a year with severe depression and panic attacks that kept me from getting out of bed. This time, I'm armed with spiritual knowledge. He is responsible for his actions and I hold him 100% accountable. I am not victim blaming by saying I have a responsiblity to see my part in the situation. What I have to do is change my behavior and our relationship will have to change. He will have to grow as an individual to accept the new status quo. The one thing I know for certain about the future is I am not going back to the person that I was and now that I see how I've been manipulated (by the way, past friends and ex's are just as guilty- the ex-husband was far worse!) everything has changed. Right now, I'm celebrating this as a victory. I am grieving for the relationship I thought I had but I'm glad I woke up and be the mother that my daughter deserves. I have no interested in ending my marriage. I beleive that my husband has it in him to be a true partner and I still love the person he is at the very core but I have to take this day by day. I'm just really enjoying my beautiful little daughter and the gifts every day brings.
0 Comments
Reish is fascinating.
First, to know that Ra is the Jewish word for evil makes you think about the Egyptian Sun God Ra. When I here someone say there name is Ra on some level I wonder if they realize what it means in the Jewish language. The fact that the Hebrew had a concept of dissonance is fascinating. The way it is called noisey head reminds me of the Sumerian story of the flood. Humans made so much noise Enki decided to try and get rid of them by sending the flood to kill all of us. In the bible the story is a little more complex but it is fascinating. Some say the Hebrew Bible is based on Sumerian myths but I'm not of that school of thought. Enjoy meditaating on the concept of Right Mind which is essentially the same thing as Buddha's Right Thinking. Through sheer synchronicity I happened to check my subscriptions and one of the ASMR artists that I follow posted this video the day before I posted this blog and my video. I have had my video on Reish recorded and planned since July (roughly four months ago) so this sort of thing cannot be planned. I hope you enjoy the ASMR Reiki video below that Lune Innate for Quieting your mind. Today, I'm going to start off with a few announcements.
Yes, this is an extra blog for this week...specifically for Friday when I usually intend to post my YouTube videos. I have decided that the amount of pressure I've put on myself to keep up with posting two blogs and a YouTube video every week is a bit much. I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep it up once Baby Michelle is here but as I go into the more serious period of this pregnancy (20-26 weeks) I have decided to cut back. I've experienced a lot of fatigue and even some pain this week. That can make it very difficult to concentrate. The YouTube videos in particular are time consuming. I usually put them together over the course of three days. That is a lot of time. At the moment I am most excited about sharing the YouTube videos so I've decided that is a priority over the blog. I am also working on a very complex Tree of Life drawing that I hope to have done sometime prior to August which is a priority. I am not sure how much time I will have for art once Baby Michelle is here...and this drawing is for her. Every Wednesday I'll post a blog and I will post a YouTube video every weekend. The YouTube video may go up on Saturday or Sunday depending on how the rest of the week goes. This is completely based on my schedule and what I find easiest. For some reason I have no problem posting my Wednesday blog. Monday's are always hard. Friday is usually taken up by my weekly OB appointment...so the YouTube video ends up being posted on the weekend when I'm not competing with my husband for the internet connection. So, to reiterate...you can expect a new blog on Wednesday and a YouTube video to be posted with the background/added information on Saturday or Sunday. By far I am not done here. There is so much more I want to explore and say. I am very excited to share with all of you the newest phase in my life. New State Of Mind Part of this also comes from a new state of mind that I have. First, I have covered a lot of information in this blog over the years. A lot of information. I think that it's easy to see the evolution of my Path in these posts. They start off really confused and searching. Even last year, when I was trying to comprehend the symbolism of the Beast that showed up a lot in the movies I was confused and still fear based. Over the last year I have really blossomed. I have worked through major issues and hurdles. The last four years have been a heck of a learning curve and I've hit that phase where all of it was completely worth it. Each time I reach a new plateau of peace it amazes me. I share this journey with you not out of a desire to be a guru. I don't desire to have followers. There is a reason I don't provide you a way to contact me. I don't want you to look at me to save you or anything special...I want you to do the work for yourself. Read what I have to share and take what resonates with you in this blog and move on with your Path. Yes, it is a form of teaching but most importantly it's a form of *sharing*. I find this incredibly useful when working with people in the various FB groups that I am in...I can send them a link to a well written blog or a video. I don't have to go into a full description *every* time I am responding to a specific question. I still have a lot of information and insights that I want to share but the intent has, for the most part, changed. No Need To Save The World Part of this desire to take it easy and not push myself so hard with sharing content is due to a shift in my perception. This shift has been there for quite some time but I've reached the point where I understand it completely. I have absolute Trust in the Natural Order of Life itself...call it the One Creator...call it All-That-Is....The Force...God...or the Immaterial World. Whatever works for you to connect with an idea of a Higher Power. The need to save the world is an Ego Trap. Yes, we have all been taught and the burden was placed on the Millennial's to make this world a better place. Yet, one person alone cannot make this change and it isn't something that we achieve by 'doing' in the outer world or forcing our will on the outer world...but by transforming our inner state of being. We awaken to our gifts. To the fact that we are an Empath. That we can read others. That we can do energy work. That we can speak to or see the restless Spirits...or that we are healers. Then we feel this need to do something as a result. We feel we have been given this tremendous responsibility and there has to be this huge reason. Well, there is a huge reason but it doesn't have to do with the outer world. Everyone in this world has these gifts to varying degrees. I felt this way too...at my lowest point. I felt as though there was something I needed to be doing and I thought it was other oriented and that it was going to help save the world in some way. I felt as though it was this huge burden and that there was some force of evil holding me back...but I was totally wrong. There was something evil holding me back but it rested within my own mind... The need to make a difference in the world is a huge Ego Trap. The road to hell, as the metaphor goes, is paved with good Intentions. Hitler thought he was going to make the world a better place...so did Stalin and Mussolini. In their minds the best way forward was for them to reshape all of Creation into their own image. How very...Devil like...clearly they thought that their version of Creation was better then the One Creator's who didn't seem to be directly involved and seemed to be letting things go to hell in a hand basket. The Ego, especially as you start out on this Path, tries to distract you with anything that it can. The whole 'life purpose' and 'being here for a reason you must fulfill' nonsense is a huge part of that trap. I don't think it helps that society tries to reinforce that bull pucky. Feeling the need to convince others of the importance of the Path is also an Ego Trap. Free Will is sacred and out of the knowledge of that sacredness we must honor every person and their choices. If someone is meant to come to the Path they will reach places of information such as this Blog or my YouTube Channel...it cannot be forced. They will do a search and they will be lead by Spirit to the information that will serve them at the point of the spiritual path they have reached. Perhaps they enjoy my epiphanies. Maybe I've laid out a path here that others can follow. That is my greatest hope. Yes, in some ways, it is true that you are meant to share information and help people...but too often the need to grow a business from doing energy work taints the work. Once it becomes revenue and your livelihood depends on it...the message can be harder for people to reach when they are most in need. Through these online groups and going to the Learning Light Center I learned something incredibly important. There are hints of it when you study these subjects. The fact Maslow believed the Self-Actualized person being only 1% of this population, for example, and Enlightened people being super rare. This is because a lot of people just aren't interested in this information. A lot of people are not willing to take a long hard look in the mirror at themselves. This is work...and it's not something that someone can give you. They want to fight something outside of them rather then turning to tame the beast within. I can give you all of the information that I have gathered about how I saved myself... how I reached this profound Sense of Peace and Harmony with Creation. Yet, it is up to you to decide and apply this information on your own. I have full and complete trust that this Awakening with so many people has already completely transformed this planet. We are going to watch the pieces shift into place and it will play out...but the change has already been achieved. The results of a good profound change always takes awhile to be seen in the outer world. More people will spontaneously Awaken as a result. There were just some who had to lift themselves up by the boot straps first...to kind of pull humanity upward and it had to reach a critical mass before it would trigger the Awakening in everyone else. The Proof Is In The Pudding I am currently reading Thomas Campbell's, "My Big TOE." (T.O.E. is an acronym for Theory of Everything). One of my favorite parts of his book is how he explains that it's the results...tasting the pudding...of our work that indicates it's value. Has the belief system or the things you have undertaken to further your spiritual path or further develop your consciousness brought to you what the Christians call the fruit of the Spirit or what the Buddhists would call Enlightenment? Have they eased your personal psychological/spiritual burden? Is there a part of you that says that you're a flawed being unable to reach that state of being...so why even bother? These are good questions to ask yourself. Comparing and Contrasting This last week was a trying one for me. I celebrated the anniversary of my daughter Lilith-Ann's death and I dealt with the fear of losing my mother who was fighting for her life in a hospital after a random car accident. I was profoundly shocked at how well I took all of it...these events would have torn me to pieces two years ago...but I was optimistic and hopeful. I was okay with the idea of my mother passing away. I had told her everything I had ever wanted to tell her in my life...that she's an awesome mother, that I am so thankful for her and she is by far my favorite person to reincarnate with! I knew I would see her again and that she is always with me in Spirit...even while alive I know I am not very far from her thoughts. In this contemplative mood sat down with my journals from 2014-2015. I was looking for the Past Life Reading I had written down in detail and the details about some dreams that I had at that time. I will share with you some of the information I found and the profound level of beauty that my Past Life Regression continues to have on me...like a time capsule where I continue to unpack the awesomeness of that experience. What really blew me away, however, had nothing to do with the content. Instead, it was the amazing amount of suffering that those entries contained. The darkness of my words were mind boggling to me...I remember thinking that way but it is so incomprehensible to who I am now I was dumbstruck by how much I have evolved consciously. Sometimes I look back at my entries in this blog from 2015 and I see the same thing...so much pain and confusion. Even in some of the entries from last year amaze me. The Path of the Seeker has not been a straight one...but a convoluted one with many dead ends. For me, the process of my transformation has been a little bit at a time. I find it a lot like the pile of rocks that I have dug out of my garden. One by one I pulled these bits of myself out of my mental garden that was preventing me from growing properly. I examined each (and if you know me...you know I love our mineral brothers and sisters- i.e. rocks!) and decided if they served me or not. When they did not I added them to a big pile but the process was slow. Now, going back and reading the way my mind worked back in 2014 and 2015 I feel extraordinarily grateful. The transformation is so complete and so profound that I don't feel like that person. That person, with that old habitual negativity that was suffering so much has passed away and I have been truly been reborn in Spirit. Like the phoenix I have risen up from that past into something far greater then I thought possible. The profound peace that I tap into every day in meditation...is beyond compare. I have defied the odds. I have seen miracles and the raw power of prayer. I am the person I always wanted to be...and every day is a chance to test this new state of being...to exercise patience, love and understanding with each and every person I meet. Choose Life I went to see my mother this past Monday. She is now home from the hospital after her harrowing brush with death and her miraculous overcoming of the ventilator. She has always been told that if she was put on a ventilator that she would never come off of it because she has emphysema. Yet, she did. I went to say goodbye to her on Friday the 23rd of March. I wanted to tell her that if she chose to go I understood. Her body is tired and she has live a full life. My Dad had lead me to believe that there was little chance of her coming back. While I was there at her bedside, however, she woke up and I knew she was going to be okay. She told me there was a point where the doctor told her the night of March 22nd, "You either go on the ventilator so that you live or you die. The choice is yours." That's one way to face your worst fears. She thought the ventilator meant life support and death. When I gave birth to and lost Lilith-Ann I faced all of my fears but I fell apart. She has handled all of this with so much grace that I am in awe of her. She has lost her ability to drive, my dad literally took away her keys, because her health is just too poor to take the risk. She is willingly giving up all of the things that she has told me for years defined her...her lifestyle and she is doing it with such gusto that I can only be grateful because they are changes I have seen she needed to make for years...but nothing could force her to make these choices. That is the power of Free Will. She told me that she surprised herself by choosing life and then she told me, "Always Choose Life." What a profound statement. I too had come to that point where I chose to Live. For me, that point on the path was far more subtle. I have to admit that it was only within the last few months that I really 'got it' and that shift has been profound. I will have to cover this topic and along with what I think is it's cause more in depth in an upcoming blog. As I explained, I thought once I really owned the experience of Oneness...once I started to see the One Creator in all beings, in all things...I thought that was the end. I really thought, when I started my journey on this Path that you reached Enlightenment and that it was time to bust out of "Prison Earth". These are the stories you get told by so many Spiritual charlatans. Only, I had pledged to be with Ross the rest of our days here. I couldn't imagine leaving my friends and loved ones. So, when I had the dream about Oneness and that something bigger then me acknowledged that I had passed that test I didn't know where I was supposed to go from there? I thought that was the entire point and reason for the experience of life...to realize our Oneness with the One Creator...but life ground on and I was aware I am still here for some reason. I was puzzled, though, what was the purpose of remaining here? Where was the great epiphany for having reached this level of understanding? Did I really need to be incarnate anymore? Where was the benefit....or as we like to say when striking a business deal, "What's in it for me?" I was still seeking to find what my purpose was in all of this...what I could do to help save the world which so many in the Media (whether it's Fox News or the L.A. Times or the Gaia channel) believe is circling the drain...but as I said that was just an Ego Trap I needed to wake up from. The Greatest Service The greatest service that we can do is to choose to live for our friends, family, neighbors and the world. By remaining and serving as an example to others. The profound shift I saw in my mother this past week was merely evidence of what I have talked about before...just by being fully present moment by moment we trigger changes in others. The huge difference between the day before and after I sent out my prayer request for my mother (against my fathers wishes) was amazing. Over fifty of my friends and family prayed for her...and she did the impossible...she came off of that ventilator...and she's a living miracle. I've seen other miracles on this journey. Those stories have been told in previous posts. The most unlikely random things have happened that have transformed people's lives for the better. Being an example of how one person can do this internal work, attain this level of peace and then watch miracles unfold around them...is the greatest service I can do the world. We have a subtle influence on every person we encounter. Our loving actions can transform someones day or their entire life. What may be a small gesture on our part sends out tremendous ripples throughout creation. In business they have a saying. One bad experience breeds 100's of bad impressions. That applies to human beings as well...expressing love and understanding to one person (or that you just give a shit by acknowledging them as a human being that has infinite value) causes them to go out and transfer that love/understanding to everyone they meet. I have to tell you, it doesn't require any work on my part at this point...yes, the transformation itself was work. There was a point that required mental elbow grease...but at this point...it all flows...obstacles that would daunt me before just melt away into nothingness. Each time something is blown up to be a big deal...the issue is resolved effortlessly...I've just learned it just takes faith, trust and patience on my part. Conclusion I recently shared the dreams that I had with you...the one where I meat Jesus in the Garage and the One Creator 'removed the car trailer' from the garage of my house. Little did I realize that he house across the street really belonged to me. I didn't realize it then but it was a new state of mind that had been prepared for me. Now I'm dreaming of living in a new house where things are being installed. I realize now that this is a New State of Mind- a New Mansion as it would be called in the Bible. A deep peacefulness where I just mind my own business, continue to follow through with the motions of the life I have chosen...primarily that of motherhood...and stop worrying about the rest. I let the rest of it go... Trust and patience. Those two words would have irritated the heck out of me four years ago. Of course, I had no one to tell me they were sending me love or that I need to trust and have patience. That everything was okay and that there is a divine order and that miracles are possible. I didn't have anyone to role model the behavior and attitude that I have come to appreciate. Our first reaction to the unknown tends to be to fight...to resist...to take action. Yet, that shows a deep lack of faith...and a tremendous amount of Ego to think what we will to happen is all that is...even if it negatively affects others. That only through our own personal will power and limited vision would be the way to 'fix' things in our life. If I were to sum up my newest state of mind in the most generalized way possible it would be..."To be fully present in the moment so that I can choose to respond in the most loving matter to uncertainty, chaos and attack because I trust in a Higher Power." Jesus had this trick down, and right now I'm learning it...and I'm sure I'll continue to learn it and practice it with my kids....goodness knows what little bit I know about children I will need love and paitence. So, right now, at this part of my Path this is my focus and my current set of life lessons. When Jesus said, "Come to me all of you who are burdened and weary and I will give you rest. Take my burden upon you for my yoke is easy and my burden is light," in Matthew 11:28- 30 he was inviting us to be like him and through becoming like him we experience the fruit of the spirit. Dogma has made it so much less then that...saying only that we need to believe that he is God incarnate to be saved...removing all personal responsibility and the possibility of self-transformation. Such a waste, such shame and such a sin that those pastors and preachers are teaching people helplessness and disempowerment. I with the Grace of the One Creator have reached this point...it's a relationship based on trust that gives rise to a deep unshakable knowingness...I know this body is just a temporary physical vessel that my soul took up for the purpose of learning to Know Myself...and that even when this vessel dies and this life as Bridget is over...I will go on into eternity playing my part in this beautiful well orchestrated Creation. The proof is in the pudding...I've done so much work on myself, I have tended my mental garden to the point where I can now choose how I respond to each situation I encounter. I'm not perfect. I still need practice but I get it now...and I see a much large picture then I ever imagined in wondering the Path of the Seeker. There is so much space, time and love that I have no need for knee-jerk reactions. If an opportunity is missed I realize that it has happened for a reason and I'm still learning. Yet, I can see how far I have come and I can marvel at that...while looking at humanity with the hope and knowledge that I am not the only one...that there are others out there moving and evolving in this direction that will transform the perspective of the world. Do you choose life and love? Or... Do you choose death and a war against the world that consists of your brothers and sisters? Which path do you really think will bring you the most inner peace? As always you have Free Will and it is your choice. |
Author:
Thank You For Visiting
Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
|