I was so excited last night when it occurred me to do this "life review" I couldn't sleep. When that happens I know it's a clue from my soul something good was going to come out of this meditation. Then a synchronicity happened and my cell phone was turned off because I failed to charge it last night. No distracting calls from my mother which is the only thing that allowed this blog to happen.
I'm spending today in quite meditation and contemplation. Tomorrow, I venture back out into the world of work. This is a sort of ending and a beginning. Although, my three weeks off of work was planned for my surgery it has proven to be far more. I expected it to be only two weeks but it ended up being three. In some ways it has been a very spiritual experience. For most of us who go a little bit deeper into the spiritual part of life anything can become a meditation. Meditation is simply placing the mind on a subject or an activity. Different practices are created with different aims. The spiritual epiphany I experienced, however, is a bit different. I'm not a joiner. I haven't followed a particular religion or a particular school of thought. I am attracted to Edgar Cacye's A.R.E. more then any other group. I believe this is probably because they follow an Inclusive practice where all Spiritual disciplines are considered equal and a reflection of the same nature of our reality. My spiritual epiphany is puzzling to me. All of what I have sought has been answered. Now, I am sitting back waiting and watching it unfold without the slightest clue as to what I might be producing. Edgar Cacye says Mind is the Builder and I intend to write a blog on that but where I am at on a mental level is far different than anything I've experienced in the past. The familiar patterns have been left behind. I have no idea what my Mind is Building or what to expect! Of course, this gives room to fear. What happens when the Mind and Spirit act as one? I'm not really sure. There really isn't much about this anywhere. There is a lot about pursuing God but not really what to do when you achieve that complete wholeness. While my future is a blank slate my past appears crystal clear. I can see a sort of story and symmetry to it that was previously impossible to grasp. In the Spirit of this moment I want to take a moment to look back. The following meditation is primarily for me, I'm reviewing my spiritual/mystical journey. The mystical experiences I've had are pretty darn uncanny. I had little choice but to lead a spiritual life of a Seeker although I wouldn't have it any other way when I look back. The journey has been terrifying and transcendental...sorrowful and yet joyful beyond compare. Perhaps you will be entertained by the stories, maybe they will inspire you on your own Spiritual Quest or maybe they will confuse you. This journey is very personal and unique to me, I don't expect anyone to have this same exact story. Yet, it can serve as an example of the broken path most of us walk. Spiritual Ideal In his book Spiritual Breakthrough John Van Auken uses this quote from an Edgar Cacye reading: "Ideas and Ideals are quite different. One rises from the finite, the other from the infinite." (Reading 3211-2) In order to know our Spiritual Ideal we have to really be in tune with Spirit (our Soul). I can't say that I know anyone in my personal sphere of influence that has attained this consciously or even pursued it..save myself. I certainly never meant to pursue it...I just 'followed my bliss' or what felt good I guess! In fact I thought that if you achieved the Ideal of the Soul that life would end. What purpose would the rest of your life serve if you weren't pursuing that goal? Yet, at the precipse that I am at I can see the Ideal that my Soul had in mind in this life. (I've been at a place of certainty before in my spiritual quest so I don't really trust it...Tomorrow all of this may come to mean nothing to me or be just a fabrication of wishful thinking. I believe I have the answers for now but as I've learned before when this happens life changes course and there is something new to be discovered in my personal Spiritual Quest.) I guess, the issue is I can't really perceive what might be next which is giving rise to doubt and fear. If I could define the spiritual ideal of my life as of this moment it appears to be, "Awaken within the Dream to an understanding of my True Divine Nature." I will get to what that means at the end of the post. I can see now a multidimensional perspective of events in my life. When I experienced them they were very personal and very discouraging. The emotions involved completely blinded to me regarding what the purpose might have been. I felt very much like a victim and not a willing active participant that would choose such suffering. My conscious mind certainly would not have chosen these events. Yet, now I can see a very definite purpose. I can see how my Soul diligently tried to steer me toward my Spiritual Ideal even when my conscious self wanted nothing to do with spiritual interests. After all, we have an instinctive desire to conform and be like all of those around us...spiritually speaking a lot of people are dead in this world. I would never have conceived of myself as a Mystic. I tend to stay very left brained and logical which is the perspective of most of our society. Just saying that I have had mystical expediences makes me uncomfortable. My mind might have wanted to pursue an ordinary life, not a mystical one, but Spirit or my Soul (kind of interchangeable) wasn't about to let that happen. A Meditation On The Past Early Childhood Memories I have two really odd early memories. Profound Spiritual Insight The first one was when I was playing Barbies. I was young, probably four or five. I would assign a personality to each Barbie based on how they would look. Then I would act out stories with them based on how I thought each would respond to different situations that I put them in. None of the other kids I knew played this way and this is why I absolutely *HATED* playing Barbies with anyone else. They didn't assign the right personalities to the Barbies. The weird thing was that at one point when going through this I thought, "This must be how God thinks when he creates us." Now, both of my parents were Worldly people only concerned with material gains. We didn't go to church. We didn't talk about God. I didn't watch television so aside from past life experiences there is absolutely no reason why I would have this thought. Further, this epiphany has stayed with me since then. I am not at a conscious adult level of spirituality where I can't get it! Misunderstood Past Life Memory The second memory I have is of telling my mother of something I remembered. Again, this was when I was around four or five. We were driving when I asked her, "Mom do you remember when Dad had all his friends and my uncles over and they were smoking cigars?" At the time my mom told me I was mis-remembering. That it never happened. Further, as far as I know I have never ever seen my father smoke a cigar. Not once. We didn't even have friends or family who smoked cigars so where did I get the memory from? Had she been the person she is today she would probably realize that this was a past life memory recall. She doesn't remember this event at all. I remember it because it caused me great distress as a child and it always puzzled me. How did I so clearly remember details about something that didn't happen? The truth of this didn't really become clear until I had a Past Life regression and that scene was vividly recalled...in my last reincarnation. I've covered that life in previous posts but that regression solved a mystery I never understood. Viewing Others From the Outside I remember pre-school. I was a strange child. I did not have friends. I could see dynamics between people. I could see the potential futures that held for them. Mind you, I was four or five. I didn't feel as though I was part of the group nor did I play like the other children. I just watched them as a curious outsider as though their interests and pursuits were totally alien to me. "Mother" From third to sixth grade I went to school in Bakersfield California. I always had a hard time connecting with people. Yet, for some reason about fifth and sixth grade I had become friends with many people. In fact, people came to me for advice. I was given the nick name "mother' because people would come to me for 'mothering advice' that they didn't dare ask their parents. I was very inexperienced at the time but somehow my advice was always true. Of my years in public education, I think that was my happiest. Teenage Experiences In my teenage years, after my Grandma Alta passed away, I felt very lost. I began searching for answers and I turned to the Bible. My parents, though not really religious tended towards Christian traditions. I sat down and read the bible from cover to cover. The book of Matthew has always been my favorite. Yet, it did not prepare me for what I would experience in life. Encountering A Spirit One day, this is before my Grandma Alta died, I went upstairs in what was a recreation room. I don't know what I was going to get from that room but I saw something float in through the window. It look liked a greasy cloud. I thought, perhaps, my mother was BBQ'ing as the grill was right below that window. This cloud however, moved as though it were sentient and it stopped right in front of me. I found myself frozen in place and I had the very distinct thought, that was not my own, "I know who you are and I will return." Terrified I ran downstairs forgetting whatever I had meant to retrieve from the room. I went straight to my mom and told her what had happened. Now she is pretty superstitious and it freaked her out. So naturally it terrified me. Throughout my teens I would listen to music at night because I was frightened of something. I don't know what it was or why but sometimes the only way I could sleep was with the radio on. The one thing I knew for certain after this experience was that other dimensions absolutely do exist. I threw myself into Christian knowledge but I didn't find any answers that could explain what I witnessed. My mother couldn't explain it and I've never come across anything to explain that experience. Experiencing Oneness At Will The second thing that occurred in my teens that really changed things was that my mom brought home a book called Journey of Souls. That was the first non-christian Spiritual book I had encountered. Right away it resonated with me. (Yet, it would be decades later that I realized that the earlier 'false memory' was actually a memory fragment from a past life. My mind had to really be retrained in order to conceive of that one!) The strange thing that happened though is that I asked my mom if she could feel the Oneness. I could, at any time, tap into that feeling. I was really puzzled that my mother could not feel that Oneness with all life. I felt really sad for her that she didn't and it was the first time I realized that *MOST* people can't experience that Oneness at will. Faerie's Oracle and Dreams During my teens was the first time that I encoutnered an Oracle card set as well. My mother bought me Brian Froud's Oracle Card Set simply because it was faeries. She thought it was a book and had no idea that it was an oracle card set. Being me, I read the book diligently, completely innocent as to what an oracle was and performed the meditation in the book. This was the very first time I ever meditated. I never dreamed that meditation didn't come some easily to other people. The meditation has the person envision that they have a tail that reaches deep into the earth (a grounding exercise) and "feel" there wings. I remember perceiving this huge energy field that was me...and my thought was whoa, I'm Huge! Back then I had no idea what I was feeling, now, twenty years later I realized I perceived my Aura (also called energy body). Back then it was unblocked and it was HUGE, it took up a good portion of the room and it felt fantastic to perceive it. This was also when I was given a Dream Dictionary Book. This book would become very fundamental. I started to work with my dreams, although not very diligently. I still had a very superstitious dogmatic point of view. That book is how I learned about the Edgar Cacye A.R.E. which I would turn to in my most recent Spiritual Awakening (2014). Strangely, that book doesn't appear to have ever existed and my copy that was on my bed stand for years disappeared around 2005. Thoughts On Childhood Memories I find it interesting that I appear to have chosen worldly parents on purpose. The one person who might have given me spiritual guidance and might have realized what all of this meant died the very year I was born (my Grandpa Douglas Q. McMasters- google that name and you get some interesting results! Even though he died in 1982 he left quite the impression!). I'm glad that I didn't have guidance or influence. Yes, It might have been easier if my mom had recognized it (now she would but she was in her teens when she had me so she was very young and very focused on day to day survival). In a way, I feel my experiences were more pure and I was allowed more freedom because I didn't have anyone there to explain of frame what I was experiencing for me. Since I didn't have that the experiences became a catalyst for me to become a Seeker. I must say, however, that my mother did have a bit of a negative influence. She, because of her father, had experienced some mystical or supernatural situations. She feared them, however, and she transferred that fear to me. Perhaps that was a good thing because I could have gone down a more destructive path without the fear and respect I developed for these experiences. Young Adult Years I had another past life memory recall at a pivotal moment in my life. At the time I was contemplating moving out with my boyfriend (which I did). This past life memory appears to have been a warning. This was in the year 2000. I've shared it in detail before...but basically in that life I chose material pursuits instead of doing my duty and searching spirtually. After experiencing seeing myself as that young Muslim man, and him seeing me in a mirror while dong some sort of drug in a hookah (I had no experience with either...I am straight edge against drugs and I had never seen a hookah besides Star Wars)...I was asked, "Do you want to do this again?" Well, I chose to do it again. My spiritual pursuits dropped off and I worked at UPS as a box handler. I was very in touch with my masculine side and I can say that I was probably channeling the energy from that past male life. I knew I was as strong and could out work any other man. For the first time in a long time I found a profound level of acceptance with the people I was working with and I started to develop some self-esteem. Terrifying Experience In 2005 Everything Fell Apart. Two years after I married my ex-husband he was diagnosed with testicular Cancer. Subsequently, he had his testicles removed and then his lymph nodes in is abdomen in a very radical surgery at USC called an RPLND, Here's what happened. At this point the ex-husband was diagnosed as Cancer Free and back at work. Night after night I was woken up by him talking in his sleep. I would try to get him to go back to sleep but he wouldn't. I would have full conversations with them but they were very distressing. At first, it appeared that what came through him was what I now call a Place Holder Soul. This entity even talked to itself, "This has never happened before. This shouldn't be happening." The Soul/Spirit explained that it was a place holder entity. The thing explained that it never actually incarnated and that it would just come to inhabit bodies for a temporary time as a suitable soul replacement was found. The entity explained that the soul I knew as my ex-husband had retreated from this life and was not interested in living anymore. He explained that soul was in a deep dark hole and wouldn't come out and wouldn't re-inhabit the body. I had never heard of any such thing before in my life! I was pretty freaked out but as this happened every night there was a natural sort of curiosity. I asked this place holder entity if I could speak to the soul of my ex-husband, the one I had married. He said yes. What came through was not coherent. All I can describe is just pure terror, inconsolable sorrow and I realized whatever that was could't be rationalized with. I didn't have the book Journey of Souls to consult as I had given it back to my mom to give it back to the original owner. I wish that I had because maybe then I would have been able to figure out what was going on. I hadn't thought of spiritual concepts in years because I was focused on what I now know was unhealthy material gain. Every night this terrifying event continued to happen. I told my ex-husband what was happening at night. I wanted to sleep on the couch but that upset him. I wasn't entirely sure he wasn't acting. That this wasn't some sort of psychological trick he was playing on me. He was in a terrible place mentally. His behavior had become moody and verbally abusive during the day. Sometimes he would grab my arm and give me this hateful look. He blamed me that he had survived his surgery. Even the people at work had noticed it. One night I was unable to sleep worried about what was going on and reading the bible trying to find answers. He woke up with the most evil laugh I've ever heard. He told me that the bible would protect me from him. He proceeded to talk with the worst vampire accent I've ever heard. Claimed he had known me in a past life and his personality was nothing like my ex-husbands. He asked if he should take this body so we could work alongside each other again. When I said no he chased me with an Ornamental Knife that I had on display. I locked myself in the bathroom and slept in the bath tub. The only frame of reference I had for this event was that of the Christian point of view of possession. I was terrified. The very next night I left him and I've never spent time with him sense. I had extreme anxiety attacks as a result of this experience and was diagnosed with PTSD. Meanwhile, he claimed not to remember any of it. On a mental and spiritual Level I was freaked out questioning my own sanity. No one at the time could help me with this or perceived how disturbed I was on a spiritual level. I couldn't even really put into words what I had experienced. In my limited point of view this sort of thing was impossible. Spiritual Seeking I was thrown back into my spiritual seeking by the events that had occurred. I wanted answers to what I experienced. There really weren't any out there. I went through a terrible depression. After all, I left the entire identity I had built for myself (mind is a builder after all) and was starting over. I didn't know who i was or what I was going to do. My psychologist, which I was not entirely honest with about what happened gave me the book When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. For the first time instead of trying to explain away or fight what had happened I looked at it as an opportunity to learn more about myself. As Pema said, "I leaned into the uncertainty." I began going to college online with the University of Phoenix. I experimented with different relationships with men...none of which really worked out. Yet, I was taking calculated chances I would have been frightened of taking in the past. I picked up Sakyong Mipmahm's book, "Turning the Mind Into An Ally." I began to meditate daily learning to quiet my mind. Again, I took to the practice much as a fish would to water. It never occurred to me that people struggled to adopt this practice. I started to build my personality all over again. This time it was a little bit more edgy. Instead of being a frightened little mouse I focused on becoming more like a character of mine named Talonea in the fantasy series that I had written non-stop. I worked to transform myself. I had terrible highs and terrible lows. I think I've already shared most of them but on a spiritual level I came to a certain level of acceptance. Acceptance of my flaws and my lows. I got sucked into the 2012 hysteria and I felt a desperate need to "Awaken" even though I didn't know what this meant. The response I received when trying to "Awaken" was that it was not time yet and that I had to wait for the others. This came from a person that had gray hair, roundish glasses and piercing blue eyes. He appeared to be one of my guides but I had no clue who he was at the time. I now think it was Edgar Cacye. At the time I did not search out the A.R.E. at all. That simply didn't occur to me. I thought if I was to "Awaken" I would pull the rest of them "up" with me. I had no context of where these thoughts came from or why I was so desperate about them at the time. Either way, I reached a point of Wholeness and Acceptance in these years. Although, I was still off balance and still experiencing a discord as a result I did reach a very positive place mentally. I will go more into this in my post on Valentines Day as to how I cleared space for the wonderful amazing husband I now have. Thoughts On Young Adult Years This was a tough learning curve. Even sharing this with you his hard for me because the time I spent with the ex-husband was such a spectacular failure. Even thinking about the experience with the Place-Holder Spirit and the uncertainty about if it was all an act...I feel queasy. I have come to look at that experience as my Soul prompting me in a very dramatic fashion to get out of a bad situation that wasn't serving me. I was put back on the spiritual track that I was meant to travel in this life and knocked out of the usual material pursuits. Strangely, here is a weird numerical cycle starts. I was with my ex for five years (2000-2005). I lived on my own for three years after that happened. Recent Years I met Ross in 2008. The years after meeting Ross I began to focus on material pursuits again. This time I was really successful. After two years of courtship we married in 2010. Ross and I had an agreement that who ever made the most money would be the bread winner and the other person would stay home when we had kids. There was a real high point in my life when I hit 30. I graduated from University of Phoenix with my third degree- A Masters in Business Administration. I had just started a promising new job. Life seemed Golden. Another five years cycle had come to completion...this was 2010. Second Wake Up Call The five year plan Ross insisted on when we were married went faster than anticipated as we achieved our goals within the first three years. In 2013 we were on track to buy our house. My focus switched from my career to having kids because I had lost the bet... That's when Everything Fell Apart...again. Most of you are aware of what happened in 2014. I won't go into the details of what happened here. What I will say is that after Lilith-Ann died I had nothing to lose spiritually. When the identity I built with Ross from the age of 28-33 fell apart I never bothered to build a new one. That aspect of me died with my daughter Lilith-Ann This blog started at that time. I began seeking Spiritually again. This caused some discomfort for Ross because he doesn't see value in having faith or a spiritual practice of any kind. He neither believes in God nor disbelieves in God. God, he says, will never be proven by the Scientific Method which is what he uses to judge "truth" in the material and so why bother? As I said though, I had nothing to lose at that point because of the mental state I was in. I didn't blame god but I certainly blamed my Higher Self that had planned this life. I didn't see people suffering the way I had suffered. I wanted some answers. What resulted was the profound experience of a Dark Night of the Soul and a Kundalini Awakening at the same time. I had no idea what I was going through at the time. I had never even heard of Kundalini. 2014 was a very confusing year. I received the message, near my birthday, I had one more year left. I had no idea what that meant. This message came through my lap top and even now it seems insane to say it. The thing was locked up and the voice I heard did not come from the video I had been listening to...I told Ross about it and my mom. I was very unbound and explored many faucets of spirituality that terrified me or I thought was too far 'out there' before...and I couldn't justify. There were a lot of elements that just really fell into place that allowed me to do all of this for the first time. I realize now that in 2015 a five year cycle was completed. Thank goodness it was because some of the most hellish years of my life. Currently This deserves it's own blog but the last three years (since 2014 when Lilith-Ann passed away) have been anything but easy. This cycle was steep and dizzying but very much worth it now that it is coming to an end. I'm not quite ready to put it all into a cohesive narrative because I need a little bit more emotional distance. I haven't completely understood the depth of what the heck I experienced. Again, I was in a situation blindly going through experiences not understanding what they meant. I had no mentor for direct guidance. I met my Higher Self, which was a crazy experience that gave me a lot of perspective. Spirit was very much trying to give me answers but I didn't have the Tools to understand them. I didn't really feel sure of myself or my experiences until August of last year, 2016. The profound sense of lack of trust of myself and my senses was the biggest struggle. I realize the three year cycle of soul seeking...similar to the three years I experienced from 2005-2008...is coming to completion. I expect it to be complete in April. That's just a feeling that I have and I know that I am starting to clear out for something new to come in...that's the impression I have of this year. Thoughts On My Early Thirties I am leaving out some mystical experiences that happened in the last three years. I've explored many of them in previous blogs. So I don't really feel it's necessary to rehash them. These last three years has consisted of a spurt of spiritual growth that was pretty fearless. My Spiritual Ideal I've experienced three spiritual Awakenings. One happened in my Teen when I was drawn to the Faery stuff, was given my first Oracle cars, first started interpreting my dreams, read Journey of Souls and fell in love with the Angels of Venice Song "Awake Inside a Dream." I would say this occurred from 1997-2000. My second Awakening was from 2005-2008. This is where I explored Buddhisim and meditation. I heard about the Annunaki and 2012. Yet, I knew I wasn't really suppose to Awaken Completely then because there were not enough people ready then. My Third Awakening has occurred from 2014-2017. In this one I went further then ever before and really started harmonizing all of the beliefs that I had encountered. I vowed to only work with my Higher Self. No other groups or entities because it was just so confusing. Many of you have joined me on this Journey in this blog. I'm finding more and more people openly sharing their experiences and so much information about all of this...I no longer feel alone. All of these periods were rough. In all of these time periods my mother and those around me were pretty sure I was loosing my mind. This, I suppose, is normal. This reminds me of a Native American who as given a tour of a psychiatric ward. He came away stating that's what the West does with their Shamans. Joseph Campbell stated, "The psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims in delight." Perhaps there are real benefits of having a spiritual teacher through this "Awakening" process. Yet, I'm glad I didn't because I don't think I would have ever realized that final part. Many of you know the Bunny Dream. As I was walking blind through much of this experience I've learned that my Spiritual Ideal is what Edgar Cacye stated... "The purpose of the heart is to know yourself to be yourself and yet one with God." Life, as the Buddhists and Hindu explain, is a Dream. It's all Maya...illusion. To awaken within that dream and know that I am myself and yet one with God...was my Ideal in Spirit...now it's kind of a blank slate? I guess there really isn't any higher spiritual purpose and I can't explain to you why but it really appears to me that no one is talking about what to do when you reach this point! Let alone helping people see the reason why this should be an Ideal at all. Conclusion I have seen, writing this, a five year and three year pattern. This is fascinating to me on many levels. Five is my personal number. This number has popped up sychronistically all over the place and I suppose I will cover this in a future blog. I've already covered three. There is even a 7 year cycle in there..after every five years of completion there is a two year period of great struggle. I'm coming to the end of a three year spiritual growth spurt. I have two more years to this period in my life. That's a bit fascinating. I'm going to have to sit and meditate on that one. Especially given that I realized that my goal of having children this year is not going to happen...God's timing appears to be very specific in my life. Being pregnant in 2008 would be right in alignment with that five year cycle...I'll probably give birth in 2019 and in 2020 the baby would be here right on time for a new cycle of lessons. Wowza! Based on what I've experienced before it is exactly where I was in my life right before meeting Ross...I'm clearing out the old to make way for something new. Thank you for going on the journey of this post for me. I knew writing this would give me perspective. This has been an all day endeavor and a very uncomfortable one. Much of what I have related here has caused me to question my sanity. That is, because of how we treat people we see as psychologically different in our society. The western idea of a mechanical universe has no place for mystics. Sharing these events honestly has been purifying and terrifying at the same time. Realizing that I'm a mystic has been no easy task! Yet, my soul had a very specific ideal for this time period...because it really wants to be of service during this time. I realize I've had helpers and been supported on many different levels...it is very entertaining and there is so much more I've discovered that I wish to discuss. For now let me close with a final quote from Edgar Cacye that I didn't even knew existed but puts this time period in perspective: "...for changes are coming, this may be sure-- an evolution or revolution in the ideas of religious thought..." There is more of this quote that you can see in if you follow the link below. I don't want to go into that here because it will detract from how I wanted to end this blog and deserves another blog/meditation of it's own. (http://www.miraclesandinspiration.com/edgarcayce_quotes.html)
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Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
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