As I conveyed in last weeks blogs about the Law of Attraction and Synchronicity I have had a lot of indications that I needed to let go. In one day, there were a bunch of items that talked about letting go...a card from one of the sites I follow, a video by Victor Oddo, and even today there was a weekly tarot card reading by Doreen Virtue that talked about...yup transformation.
I have discovered some of the things that I have been carrying with me when it comes to old grudges from the past. Not only did I not need to bring up those old issues when examining future choices and situations...I realized I needed to completely let go of the person that I have been for the past two years. Transformation I know all of us can look to the past and see how we have transformed. The person we were five, teen or fifteen years ago almost seems foreign to us. We definitely transform from one era of our life to another and usually in a subtle progression that we are not even aware of during the transformation. There is a concept, however, that is better suited for rapid growth. I know, personally, I'm desiring some rapid growth. I have , for two years, been captive to a situation that I faced for a very short period of time, about one month of upheaval, and I've been stuck in that past holding onto all of the emotional fall out that occurred because of what happened. What I realized last night is that I don't need to be that person anymore. In fact, I don't even recognize the person I was in January of this year I have changed and grown so much. What I've Been Creating I realized that in my closest relationship, the one with my husband, I've been creating a sense of being unsupported. This started two years ago when my daughter was born prematurely and died because her lungs were not developed enough for her to live normally. I pushed everyone away when she died...the pain was just so great that just to function I couldn't focus on it. I couldn't say my daughters name for over a year without falling into a crying fit and having a panic attack. My biggest issue is that I felt the Creator had turned it's back on me by allowing my daughter to die. Not only did I feel unsupported by my family, friends, and even my spouse...but I felt unsupported by the universe itself. I projected that feeling, on a subconscious level, onto my husband. Part of it was that I simply wasn't communicating with him as I had when we first met. When we first met I was very bold and blunt. I was very much a take me as I am or not at all person who stood my ground. I know that I've been creating this sense of being unsupported by him, that he supports his friends and family more than he does me, through my actions. However, I also realize that I stopped looking to him for support in a lot of ways. Our path diverged as I went through my healing process because I turned back to my spirituality to find some meaning in it all. He has no desire for finding meaning in anything. I lean more on my friends than I do him when I want advice or I need to vent. Our communication level went down a lot in the last two years. I simply stopped talking about a lot of things with him. He is not spiritual like I am so I can't talk to him about new avenues of interest I've come across in that area. I have plenty of friends that are interested, however, and so I find communion with them. I have other areas of support for all of the areas that my husband can't relate to me. That has given me a sense of not having much support from him. Yet, it's not that he doesn't support me and my decisions...he does, it's just there haven't been a lot of decisions that involved him in the past two years. The past two years have been intensely personal for me and the process of extracting myself from the grief I experienced was difficult. A Little Taste As I said before I have known about the Law of Attraction for almost a decade. Hardly anyone knew about it back then. Bashar, for the most part, and his description is what fundamentally began to help me understand how it works in the last two years. This has helped me a lot to recover and make the necessary changes to get back to being self-confident. Then I had a little taste of it working recently. This little taste is giving me the hope and the inspiration to reach out further...to grown in new ways and restored my faith little by little. A New Me The concept I've latched onto in the last twenty four hours and really embraced is that I am a new person. In this moment, right now, I have the memories of all of the events in my life...but I also have a choice. That choice is to see myself as a completely new person and that those experiences no longer belong to me. I don't have to operate the rest of my life based on those past experiences. I don't have to carry them forward with me. I don't have to own them. In a sense, I can look back at them as though they were a past life. Maybe, that's why I don't feel very old, although when I was in my teens I thought thirty was old (and I'm thirty four). I almost feel as though I've gone through multiple life times in this life. I was a different person in every city that I moved to...sometimes I was the popular kid and sometimes I was the outcast. I was the video gaming twenty year old who played MMORPG (only role playing games) into the wee hours of the night. I was the woman who's ex-husband nearly killed her and then claimed he had no memory of the event. I was the angsty writer who actually got published. I was the powerful business woman who was going to work her way into corporate and change companies for the better of everyone. Then I was the grieving mother locked into being stuck between depression about a past I could not change filled with regret and extreme anxiety about the future. There have been many other versions of me too. Even more amazing is that I realized I am not that person anymore, they were roles I played for a short period of time. That's all they were, just roles, that I played for a short duration. I do not need to carry their burdens forward. Almost like past lives, I can leave their stories, their psychological burdens, their short comings and their tragedies in the past. I can carry forward the major lessons I learned about myself and the behaviors that did not benefit me...but I don't have to continue their story. A Fresh Start Starting today, I'm not going to look to the past to define my future. This is a new book, and this is the very first page in a very new chapter with a very different character than I have ever played. I have learned a lot of valuable lessons that I can apply to the future. Yet, I have the ability to write my future, starting from today, with every act I take and every word I say. That can define who I am today in a way that is not influenced by the past. In a way, it's kind of like a birthday, a new beginning. The past is the past, the way I used to react to things, that script that has played out so often is also of the past. I can't change that at all. I can change how I approach interactions today. Instead of reacting to situations on a completely emotional level, I am able to step away and decide what to do. Not only for myself, but for the other person. Sometimes, what we think is the easiest best way to do something doesn't really benefit others. I have been very blunt in the past, a say it how it is sort of person, and that at my core essence is who I am. I know myself far better than anyone else and I will not let other people attempt to define or project on me their issues. I do choose to be uplifting to other people, to reach out, to say I care. To try, even if there is no return, to do good unto others. That's where my passion lies and it doesn't take a certain job or anything in particular to do that...just mindfulness in the moment. Conclusion Sometimes, letting go isn't just about letting go of certain burdens or behaviors that we have carried over from the past. Sometimes, we have to let go of who we were in past situations and how we responded to things. Often, we carry the emotional and psychological scars from the past into our Now. I've learned when I do that I'm on the offensive, I'm very constricted energetically and I have tunnel vision. In that state I'm very reactionary, trying to react and prevent things from happening again and thanks to the self-fulfilling prophecy I create more of what I don't want. While it's hard to leave an old identity in the past it's a bit like shedding ones skin. I realize that feeling of being unsupported that I experienced when my entire world was falling apart and my daughter was suffering in her incubator...is not the image I have to be frozen into for the rest of my life. I can choose to change it and I have changed it. That isn't me anymore. I'm not coming from that place of being unsupported. I have friends and family that are not involved in my daily drama who can look at me and tell me, "That's not right." Just having people like my friend Jennifer there to sympathize with me through my ups and downs has really helped. She validates my emotions and she gives me a new perspective when I really need one. I know that I can call on others when I need help as well, such as my friend Vica, and dozens of others. I am more supported than I have ever been. Sure, it's not all coming from my husband but he can only do what he can. He works a lot and he needs to focus on staying mentally steady within his own daily schedule. Nor should the burden have ever completely fallen on him for all of my needs. Having a diverse network of friends who can offer advice and support is important. I embrace this new version of myself, that is different and separate from that person in the past. I let go of all of that which has defined me in the last two years. I don't feel the need to tell people about the loss of my daughter, the terrible events that lead up to that and how it destroyed my world. I am a whole, complete and confident person again. I have no interest in changing the world or corporations anymore...just my little corner of the world. If everyone worked on just changing and improving the little corner they are given maybe we could have peace on Earth. Further, I believe that this new stance will take my relationship with my husband to a new more authentic level. Now that the communication channels have been opened we both have the opportunity to adjust and change. He's been very receptive of everything and willing to hear everything I have to say.
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Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
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