July was a hard month.
You would think the month of your birthday would be easy. In many ways it should have been a very joyful time. With our daughter Michelle on the way and, for all intents and purposes, a new life ahead...struggling with attachments from the past might seem easy...after all, I'm steps away from an entirely reinvented new life and in many ways a fresh start. Yet, startlingly for me, it really wasn't. A lot of what I have had to let go of this month are patterns that started back in 2006. I went through a very transformative time then. I had left my ex-husband and I was rebuilding my identity. Unfortunately I didn't have the information that I do now and I was on a totally different wavelength. I built myself up by identifying with physical things- most notably my dog Angel and my truck that I called my Silver. They were the first and probably the last items that will be entirely, "Mine." Since I possessed them when I met my husband I still identified them with myself because they were mine before they were his. Losing Angel Korns Death is always hard. Losing Angel was a lot harder then I ever imagined. Not as bad as it could have been, I must admit, if I she had transitioned in 2014. In many ways, her timing to cross over was perfect because I was at the best place mentally that I have been in my entire life. Letting go, however, has been hard. You see, I never cry for the being that's gone. The animal or human who has crossed over, I think, is in a better place. Being in NPMR (Non-physical Matter Reality) sounds like an absolute blast. The opportunities there are limitless. I do cry for myself because that having that familiar comforting presence in day-to-day life is quite the adjustment. Angel was such pure joy and she was always in the middle of everything. She's night and day compared to the dog she picked out- Apollo. Since she has been gone the house has been really quiet. She doesn't wake me up in the morning to feed her (Apollo is so easy going that it's easy to forget to feed him and since my husband is feeding him the special canned food that we bought Angel which makes me sick to my stomach...he's been fed at noon a few times). I don't have a fuzz ball constantly at my feet. The first week was rough. I kept looking for her because no matter what I was doing she was always just one step behind me. None of our other animals are like that (although, our cat Monster has been extra loving and been more of a lap cat since Angel left us). I didn't realize how much of my life and my identity revolved around that little dog. Taking care of her was such a joy and she was such an unconditional companion that it's no wonder she touched many people's hearts. Letting go of my attachment to her and becoming at peace with the void she left behind has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I still catch myself looking around for her. There will never be a dog that can replace her and fill that void. She and I just went through way too much together. For the years when I was single and alone she was my life line. I was excited to go home from work because she would be there running to happily greet me at the door. I did have a dream that she came to visit me and that she was happy. So, that was a magical moment that I cling to when I'm feeling sorry for myself. As the Luke Skywalker quote from the Last Jedi that I used at the end of the video I made in Celebration of her life (boy was that tough to make!) said: "No one's every really gone." She's still here in many ways. My Silver Yup, I'm guilty of one of those things that I identified in my Dark Night of the Soul videos. I associate myself way too much with the truck that I drive. I loved my 4x4 2006 Ford Ranger Sport package. Plus, this was the vehicle that Angel and I went on a lot of Road Trips in...so in a lot of ways it's one of the last things that really reminds me of her. There is poetic justice that the final road trip we went on together, to the vet, was in the Ranger. There is a conclusiveness to also sell this truck within the same month. My husband, funnily enough, listed it for $6,999. I nice repetitive little number sequence representing balance (6) and completion (9). Not many girls drive trucks so I felt it made me unique and it was rare enough that I could find it easily in the parking lot of wherever I went. I loved that it had plastic interior that was easy to clean- especially in the snow. I liked that it had manual windows because I never had the issues I saw other people have with automatic windows where they stopped working. I bought that truck off the lot, which some people think is stupid, but I had it for 12 years and I knew all of the problems that truck ever had. I never got into an accident or even got a ticket in that truck. Letting go of that is a bit hard too because I feel as though I'm going to be just another family schmuck in a sedan. I know that sounds horribly judgmental but it's not. I don't really care what other people drive...I just don't like conforming. My husband has agreed to get one of my favorite vehicles- a Chevy Cruze. Of course, it's going to be used because we don't have the disposable income I had when I was living in Big Bear with my parents. So, I have no idea what the history of the vehicle is or what might be wrong with it and I naturally suspect that the person selling it is getting rid of it because there is something wrong. Also, I won't be able to go and shop around for the Chevy Cruze because I'm on bed rest. I had hoped that the Ranger would be ready to sell earlier in the pregnancy so I could help shop for the Cruze but for many reasons that didn't happen because my husband had other priorities. So, I have to trust my husband to find my primary vehicle that I will depend on to get around entirely on his own. That is very tough for me because I am so used to taking charge and being involved in major purchases that will have a profound affect on my life. Tools The best tools to use to release attachment is writing in a journal and meditation. I consider writing in a journal or writing a blog such as this to be a form of meditation. Organizing thoughts and feelings into an easy to understand form is paramount to letting go of them. If you don't know what you're working with how do you know how to let it go? Meditation, staying centered, is very helpful. Recently, I've been using multiple forms of meditation. My husband bought me a set of Universal Tibetan Singing Bowls for my birthday. Sitting down and teaching myself how to make them sing is a form of active meditation. Then there are the sound meditations that I do using the Temple Sounds YouTube video's. I love these because they limit the amount of time that I meditate in a gentle way. I could literally do a meditation focusing on my breath all day if I didn't have something limiting the amount of time. Alarms are just way too...harsh...as a way to limit the time of mediation and that is the main reason I prefer sound meditations. The crucial thing about Meditation is that it gives you time to let go of your emotions or thoughts. Often times those thoughts and worries will return after the session. During the session, however, there is simply silence which I really enjoy. I don't have incessant thoughts often, just during times of anxiety or when I'm struggling to let go of attachments (as I said these are the last two attachments I really have), and that struggle can through off my balance. These moments of realigning myself with my center gives me the perspective to proceed forward with far less fear. Meditation is a bit like reformatting your mind...just like your computer we tend to accumulate a chaotic clutter of data in our mind. By organizing our thoughts around a subject through written meditation we can view a situation more clearly. By finding our calming Center in our meditation we can approach emotional subjects from a more grounded perspective. Conclusion In some ways, giving up my attachments to these two remnants to who I was back in 2006 is freeing. I really won't be replace either of these items or this attachment. The idea of becoming as attached to anything in the future is extremely unlikely. At the same time, both are very hard for me because they are not items that can be replaced because of the unique situation I was in when they came into my life. Angel Korns was a unique little dog with a very full life and very developed personality. I've never encountered a dog like her and I my family had many dogs throughout my life. She's not something that can ever be replaced. My husband has been trying to get me to give up the Range for 9 years and I've held onto it. The vehicle has always been very impractical in the city with terrible gas mileage because it's a 4x4. The only reason I'm giving it up is because I couldn't use it to transport Michelle. Again, it's not something that can ever be replaced because it's probably the only vehicle I'll ever buy directly from the dealer (my husband is 100% against that because of depreciation). Because of that and the fact it was 100% what I wanted with no one else's input...it is not replaceable. The good thing is that without those attachments there will be less anxiety. If the Cruze gets into an accident I won't care. Sadly, when future dogs pass away I probably won't be attached to them because they will be chosen by my husband. So, while I know letting go of these last two attachments from the days of my independence because I built my identity on them is beneficial it is also very hard. They were so much a part of my life I know there will be a big void that will never quite be filled. My intention is to become comfortable with that void and uncertainty. Not being tethered to anything is a really good thing. Letting go of these final two attachments is a positive thing but it's still not easy to let go of what is familiar to step into the void. Letting go of these last few attachments really sets the stage for a fresh new start. in some ways, that can be unsettling because who know's what that unknown territory may hold? The only option, really, is to trust in the universe that this fresh new cycle will be full of good things, positive spiritual growth and development.
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Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
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