(Above is a drawing I made in 2007 based on the "Healing Spiral" that I perceived at that time...I had no idea what it meant until recently).
You will be reading this blog two months, exactly, after I wrote it mostly because I have blogs already scheduled to be published up until that point. Another is that what I'm writing about here is emotionally charged. I want time to pass so those who were involved but don't necessarily read my blog are less likely to read this. I have always known that the Path of the Seeker is more of a spiral then a straight line. Often times, we end up in the same places that we were in the last time to see if we have really learned our lesson. Well, I hit that spiral point where I was back where I had been before...but this time I was armed with the Spiritual Knowledge and rock hard faith that I have developed while doing this Work. This time, the difference was entirely psychological. I am not sharing this with you to claim to be special. I am sharing this with you so that you know what you too can achieve. Have you experienced the same or similar circumstances...do all of your jobs seem to end the same way, do all of your relationships end up the same way, or do you have a chronic that keeps rearing it's ugly head? Well, blame it on the Spiral of the Path. Each time you confront the same situation you have a choice. You can handle it the same way that you have in the past and receive the same result....or you can expand your mind and do something new. End Of A Cycle Now, I wrote about this before because I knew that I was coming up to the end of my 5th cycle of 7. You can read it here in a blog titled, "Getting on the Positive Train." https://bridgetkorns.weebly.com/blog/getting-on-the-positive-train6100232 The Positive Train is referring to a realization I had about what the channel Bashar talked about with two trains and two timelines: https://bridgetkorns.weebly.com/blog/the-two-trains-timeline-metaphor-decoded Given that I was born on July (7) 5th and the momentous stage of finally being pregnant again after losing my daughter in 2014 I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. Francesca Simon on her weekly broadcast of Charting Your Course, is also in at the end of her birthday cycle, and she was talking about how at that time everything seems to be breaking down. This happens once a year right before your birthday....because it's at the start of the birthday that the cycle begins again. You also have the opportunity the results of any work you have done in that cycle! Now, these break downs and end of relationships are a good thing. They make room for what you want to see in the next cycle of growth. She relates this process to the Kabbalah Tree of Life that you can see below. The process are the words describing the Sephiroth on the left side of the atmark.
So, as of July 5th I will be at the Idea stage for the next year. That's when I will decide where I want things to go and start to plan accordingly. The next step will be make plans and then gather materials.
That first cycle of 52 days is when you set up what you want to see come to fruition in the next cycle. This gives us the ability to go through and plan our year accordingly. Just as with gardening, you need to know that it's in the spring that you plant your seeds in the ground, through the summer you maintain them and so in the Fall you can reap the harvest...then in the Winter you let things rest. The 7 Year Cycle Colette Baron-Reid talks about the 7 year cycle. She refers to a book about fractals that I haven't read but I have heard this information in less formal places (websites like this I think) instead of an actual book. I've known for a long time that it's the way things go and in a dream that I have shared it was reinforced. I knew that I had two more choice points before the end of this current cycle.
The First Choice Point
The First Choice Point I had was connected with that Mystical Experience with the being I described in the "Getting On The Positive Train" blog. The next morning I woke up and I heard the woman from the vision say, "Accept the Deal." I had no idea what "Deal" she was talking about. My first thought was that it was some sort of business deal. As I am on bed rest at the moment and not at work...let alone looking for a job (I love my job and the place that I work) I thought maybe it was just nonsense. Then I looked at my phone and I saw that the girl I considered my best friend was ending our friendship. She had told me something in confidence and I had told her husband. In my defense, I didn't expect her to keep it secret from her husband. I assumed she would tell him. Apparently, she had looked at his phone for something unrelated. He and I were friends as well (which is hard) and she saw that I had told him. I knew that I needed to accept that our friendship was over given that beings instruction. I realized, years ago, when I moved out with my ex-husband (HUGE mistake) it was she that showed me a past life memory and asked, "Do you really want to do this again?" Had I listened to her my life would have been dramatically different. In hindsight, after meditating on the subject, I realized my best friend and I brought the worst out of one another. This was neither of our faults but just what we mirrored the most for each other. We have both experienced set backs and have a similar history but have wildly different approaches to life. Her friendship made me dwell on all of the disappointment and resentment's I had of my husband. While in the past our friendship had helped me heal from losing Lilith-Ann...it had de-evolved into something detrimental. She was incapable of walking the Path of the Seeker, seeing no value in it, and that had started to drive us apart for a long time. She stated at one point in her blog that she needed to find a friend who, "Shared her faith." I knew, at that point, that she was over our friendship but I felt that I needed to support her through some tough life lessons she was going through regardless. My old martyr syndrome I thought I had laid to rest had flared up. I couldn't share what I was most passionate about with her (my husband, being more agnostic, is not on the Path of the Seeker either). While we had a similar sad history with trying to have kids, same hobbies like writing blogs and education the only thing we shared in common in The Now was griping about our husbands. I still consider her an inspiration and will leave an acknowledgement for her in my YouTube videos because I do appreciate the support she showed me at first. However, as I explained in the post, "Getting On The Positive Train," we don't have time to dwell on what we don't like in life. That will only bring more of it into our world. This is why current therapy fails so often (and depth psychology used to work). I knew this but I didn't realize that I was guilty of it in this friendship because it wasn't always that way. The entire friendship had de-evolved gradually over a three year period. Focusing on hatred and resentment poisons the body- in particular the Kidney and Liver. Leading to all sorts of health problems that I know I don't want. I love my husband very much. He is just not like me...which is a good thing. I was looking for a salt-of-the-Earth person who could keep me grounded. Now, that I have the space to work on appreciating him and seeing what he does not as an attack on me but a part of his nature as that salt of the Earth type of guy I was looking for when I met him...I'm already a lot happier in my marriage. So, letting go of that friendship was the best decision I could make and I am thankful for the being that reached out to me to give me that direction...because I would never have been able to handle what happened next the way that I did with that friendship still in place.
The Second Choice Point
This was brutal. By far, this was one of the toughest spiritual tests I have ever faced. I never dreamed that this or would happen to me...again. In many ways, the week of June 25- July 1st was like reliving losing Lilith-Ann. Not the same exact situation but similar enough to absolutely blow my mind once I realized what was occurring. What happened with my daughter epitomizes the lesson about my Emotions that I have been learning in the last 7 year cycle. I had a hint that this was going to happen thanks to Collette Baron-Reid's universal forecast...I knew I was going to be triggered, as I wrote about on the, "Getting On The Positive Train," post. I was prepared...but I was not prepared for something happen on such a monumental shake me to the core of my foundation level. What happened completely tore me to pieces. I now see that it was imperative that I not be friends with my ex-best friend at this time because had a reacted negatively I think very bad things would have happened. My dog Angel Korns, which you have inevitably seen in my YouTube videos (in particular the one on Shadow Work where she interrupts me at the end) and in pictures in my personal blogs...died suddenly. Over the course of a week she went from being the usual dog I knew to not wanting to eat at all. At first we were told it was gastrintits and that we had caught it early but she wouldn't take the pills for that...and then it turned out she was in the late stages of Kidney failure. I had been told in a dream that she was, "Temporarily out of service and required water." Water, to me, represents Spirit. I didn't realize that it meant she wasn't going to die. I had an idea, and I hint at it...but I was hoping she would pass peacefully in her sleep and not suffer so much. My empathy when I see anything suffer is so acute it overwhelms the senses. The grief of watching her suffer as my husband and I struggled with the her steep and rapid decline in health- going from being a hungry pup willing to eat anything on Monday to not being willing to eat anything by Wednesday- was tough. I knew by Wednesday that I needed to let her go. I couldn't stand seeing her struggle. My husband, however, wanted to see if there was anything that we could do to save her. I stayed up with her over night while she puked and slept roughly. Her entire body would shudder in pain and it was the most horrible thing to watch. My husband was able to sleep upstairs because he didn't want to take time off because he's been saving his vacation for when our daughter Michelle is born. I was appalled by his behavior. I had flashbacks to losing my daughter and some of the more callous things he said to me as I struggled with that loss because she was more, "real" to me then she was to him because I carried her and could feel her move. He doesn't remember saying that to me, but I remember that as though it were yesterday and I think it's a psychological defense mechanism he has in place. I admit, I was emotionally destroyed and felt completely unsupported...as though I was going through this entire event on my own. He cared about her but he doesn't have the depth of feeling or emotions that I have. The majority of people I know don't have that level of Empathy. I cried so hard it hurt my stomach and it was not right of me to do that to Michelle who shares my body and adrenal system with me. I put a lot of strain on both of us. My grief was so deep I stood on the same precipice of emotional oblivion that I stood on with Lilith-Ann. To be honest, I loved that little dog more then my husband or anything else on this Earth. For a long time, it was just her and me and I thought it was going to be just her and me forever back when I got her in 2007. She lived 12 years which is a long time for a Cocker Spaniel but so much of my life revolved around that little dog. I bought a double baby carriage so she could go with me on walks once Michelle was born because I knew she struggled with that in the last couple of years. I was going to just plunk her in the front seat and take her for a ride. I was so excited that I was finally going to have a baby she could play with because she loved children so much and that's the one experience I hadn't really provided for her. She always loved going places. I called her my Road Trip Doggy. If I ever considered any being or thing, "Mine" and that it defined me it was her. She was like an extension of myself (much like my truck but to a far lesser degree). She was the thing, on the physical material realm, that I was attached to the most. More then any person place or object I had ever come across. The stress and grief of losing her, which I had been avoiding because I knew it was stress that triggered me losing Lilith-Ann in 2014, was unavoidable. My husband had made an appointment to put Angel down for 3pm on Friday June 29th. On Thursday June 28th Ross and I felt baby Michelle flipping over in my belly. We could literally feel that she was sideways. I was concerned but I was so sore, tired from crying and trying to take care of Angel so that she was comfortable because I knew she was in pain and scared... I was too exhausted to think that this might be a bad thing. I had an O.B. appointment to get a shot to keep me from going into labor the next morning. As we were heading to the doctors office I felt Michelle ram my cervix and a gush of fluid followed by contractions. Immediately, my mind flashed back to 2014 when something far more subtle had happened...I began leaking amniotic fluid at work. I knew we needed to get to the hospital but the doctors office wasn't answering the phone for some reason. I told my husband and we drove to the doctors office. He went upstairs and asked where he should take me. I knew I couldn't walk. We went to Queen of the Valley. This was the same hospital where I had delivered my daughter Lilith-Ann under similar circumstances in 2014. The ride there seemed to take forever. He took forever to get a wheel chair because it was a busy day thanks to the Full Moon. I brought out my cell phone and started doing a Temple Sounds Meditation realizing that I needed to calm down. When stressed I have a tendency to hold my breath. Eventually, we found out that my water hadn't broke. Apparently, when Michelle rammed my cervix she had hit my very full bladder which had given way. I had peed my pants, just a little since I was able to hold most of it, but there was no amniotic fluid. Thank god I had the cerclage done, however, because Baby Michelle would have probably been born in that car ride if I hadn't had one with how hard she had rammed my cervix. The contractions were real and Michelle was presenting as though she expected to be born any minute. The medical staff gave me a drug to stop the contractions. Ross rescheduled the appointment to have Angel put to sleep for 5pm instead of 3pm. I was very upset because I was afraid that her pain medication would wear off and that she would suffer more then she should. I felt horrible. I couldn't calm myself. In addition to that he had skipped breakfast and was starving. Time crept on and four hours later (around 3pm when we should have been with Angel at the Vet) we were still in the intake room. Then the staff finally informed us that I would be admitted to the hospital. At that point I told my husband to leave. He needed to eat and take care of Angel. I know putting down Angel without me was hard for him. Some people might feel it was cruel I was not there in her final moments. He felt bad that I wasn't there to hold her with him. Yet, I had told that dog everything I wanted to tell her and said goodbye to her the night before...I had really hoped she would pass in her sleep. He says that Angel was not suffering when he came home, that she cuddled him at the office and drifted off peacefully. That's the most I could ask for. I will be eternally grateful for him going through that without me. He had to do the much the same thing with our daughter Lilith-Ann. He has a strength to him that I don't have and that's one of the reasons that my husband and I make such a great team.
The Hospital Stay
After my husband finally left I was taken to room 1111. I was struck by the familiarity of the situation. I had delivered my daughter, Lilith-Ann, in a nearly identical room back in 2014. I was filled with shock and horror to find myself in a similar place. Yes, Baby Michelle was more likely to survive but it turns out at 31 weeks she would have had to stay in the hospital for at least two weeks if she was born. We needed to stay pregnant. The room number, as many of you know from synchronicity, is very important to me. 1111 means unity. I realized that I was at that precipice of mental and emotional oblivion. I knew, from my Shadow Work and all of my studying what I needed to do...I knew that I needed to pull myself back. I recognized that I had two panic attacks- one in the car when Michelle rammed my cervix and another as we were waiting to find out if I was going to be admitted to the hospital. I was disappointed that I had experienced them but immediately forgave myself realizing that I was in a very unique set of circumstances. I realized that this, since the Path is A Spiral always returning to previous lessons that are failed, was a Spiritual Test. I gave myself a pep talk that no one else was capable of giving me. I repeated to myself what Francesca Simon says often, "All is in divine order." What would I do differently, I had asked myself often, if I was in the same situation that I had been with Lilith-Ann? That was a question that had haunted me for the past four years. That I had gone over mercilessly in my mind as I searched my soul. So, now I was prepared for the answer. I reminded myself of the spiritual truths that would comfort my soul- that nothing really dies and that all life in the physical realm is temporary. I knew that no one in the outer world was capable or responsible of saving me from this precipice...this was up to me and I knew just how to do it. I realized that I needed to switch modes as soon as possible. I needed to let go of my grief over losing Angel and focus on getting into a positive mind space for Baby Michelle. To say it was not a natural thing for me is an understatement. I went into a meditative mode knowing that was the only way I was going to calm myself down. I listened to my Temple Sound Meditations...which are the easiest way to cut through the Monkey Mind when you are in a place of fear. I imagined the Light of Heaven passing down and through me...also recognizing that my kundalini was rising...so I pushed it back down and imagined that it was latched into place. Those instinctual flight or fight emotions were not needed in that moment and I couldn't balance them with my heart in such a broken state. Eventually, I was able to come back to myself and release my grief. This was a conscious decision...and thanks to the mental discipline that I have developed through meditation and working with releasing my psychological Shadow it was far easier then one would expect. I immediately started to practice gratitude which I will cover in the next section of this blog. There is no way that I could reach that state of mind back in 2014 when I went into labor with Lilith-Ann due to stress. Back then I was terrified to move in the bed and let the nurses bully me. Now, I set boundaries with the nurses and did what I needed to do to heal myself regardless of their well meaning instructions. As a result, there was an immediate change in the way my body behaved. At intake, each time they gave me a shot I would bleed profusely...harking back to when I hemorrhaged on cue with Lilith-Ann. I treated each of my nurses kindly and called them by name but I maintained those boundaries. I only met one that wanted to be difficult with me. I stood up to her boldly letting her know that I am not someone to be pushed around and I know my body better then anyone else. They gave me steroids so that Baby Michelle's lungs growth would be sped up in case she was born. No one thought that the contractions would stop. The thought I would give birth to her soon. My improvement, thanks to my attitude, was rapid. The doctor initially said that I wouldn't be released until July 3rd. The nurses were certain I would have Michelle within days given my history. However, I was released on July 1st on strict bed rest. When they gave me my final shot of steroids I didn't bleed at all. (Insert a picture of green socks)
Practicing Gratitude
The key method, aside from meditating, that got me out of there was by practicing Gratitude. I honored the nurses even as I set boundaries with them. I treated them as I would want to be treated. I was thankful to get green socks to add to my hospital sock collection (I like the hospital sock because they are slip resistant, brightly colored and easy for me to find in the laundry basket I've been living out of since I've been on bed rest and restricted to the first floor of my house). I was thankful that the first morning I was at the hospital I was served French Toast, my favorite meal, for breakfast. When the kitchen called for my order for the rest of the day I was extremely grateful to them over the phone for having Decaf Black Tea because I had been craving that like crazy. The woman who took my order was so touched she personally brought a cup of decaf black tea to my room as soon as she could! I told the nurses that I thought the labor was brought on by the death of Angel and showed them pictures of her that last week. They cried with me. All in all, I took a very scary situation and I transformed it into something incredibly positive. I turned it into a moment of personal triumph. I have no doubt it was my conscious decision to get back into a better place mentally and calm myself down...and the fact that I could do so...that stopped me from going into full labor and giving birth to Michelle prematurely. I celebrated my triumph in being able to overcome this obstacle. I had faced all of my fears, all of my demons, from when I had Lilith-Ann before and I had won. My emotions no longer control me...I listen to them, I hear what they mean and I let them go. Armed with Gratitude and Understanding I was able to finally pass this Spiritual Test! The Aftermath I am now home. I'm writing this on July 4th, although, you won't see this post until August because I have other blogs scheduled prior to this date. I can't walk around. My ankles become very swollen if I try to be on my feet for more then ten minutes. I don't know if it is from the steroids or if it's the way the baby is sitting or it's just a part of the third trimester. I'm on the most extreme bed rest...walking only to the bathroom and to my computer as needed. I am grateful for this experience. I have learned that I have come so very far in my work and personal transformation! The house is eerily quiet with just my dog, Apollo, the cats and snake. My Angel Korns left a giant emptiness behind because she had such a big personality. I promised my husband we would never have two dogs again and he never wants to have a 30 pound dog again...or a puppy. He only wants to adopt rescues. I know that I will see her again...whether or not it's on the physical material realm I don't know. I have a cold or something going on. Grief, I know, rests in the lungs. I have no doubt that is why I have a weird hacking cough. I intend to spend as much of the rest of the Mars retrograde that started on June 26th and continues to my daughters due date of August 27th in bed. With all that said....let's take a look at the crazy synchronicity with the energy that occurred on June 29th...because it was a big one astrologically for me. I had no idea that this level of astorlogical coincidence was occurring around the Full Moon. I only saw Rick Levine's video after I was at the hospital and I was just floored.
The Strange Astrology/Oracle Synchronicity
Now, I had a bit of a heads up going into this week. I knew thanks to Collette Baron-Reid's Universal Forecast that I was going to be triggered. I was already having fights with my husband over minor things. He has very strong opinions about what I should eat when pregnant and he is very materialistic. Sometimes, since I have, for the most part, given up my attachment to physical objects (I'm still working on heirlooms and such things) this can be irritating to me. I didn't realize that there were three huge events in Astrology involving planets and zodiac signs that have a huge impact on my chart (I am by far not that deep into astrology or it's mean but I do know some basic information). My Rising Sign is Capricorn, which is ruled by Saturn and my Sun Sign is Cancer which is ruled by the moon. Full moon's always have a tremendous impact on me because, as my cousin once told me, being born during a Full Blood Moon on July 5th 1982 I brought to much of my souls energy in with me. Rick Levine explains in the video above the three factor playing into this difficult astrological energy. He talks about it from 21:49 to 33:41. He rambles a lot in his astrological videos and he's very hateful about Trump but he knows his astrology. Here is a brief summary: First, there was the Full Blood Moon where the Sun and Moon are in conjunction. Second, was the fact that the Sun and Saturn were also in opposition. Third, Mars had begun to go retrograde on June 26th and it will last through August 27th. In the First case- The Blood Moon in Cancer enhanced the watery Emotional Subconscious energy. In the Second case- Saturn as the ambitious taskmaster with no compassion opposing the Sun brings up a sense of isolation and draws attention to the Spiritual Lessons we may or may not have completed. In the Third Case- Mars retrograde where we are called upon to slow down, reflect, reassess and reorganize before going forward. Mars likes to throw stumbling blocks into our paths to see if we've really learned our lessons. Finally, from my position on the Earth when I looked up at the Full Moon on June 26th it was in the Zodiac sign of Ophiuchus. I know because I have a Sky Watch App on my phone that when I hold the screen up to the sky it tells me the different constellations, planets and the name of larger stars. As I've said before, the man holding the snake represents the triumph of taming the snake from the Garden of Eden. What an appropriate place for the Moon to be given what I was about to experience on that Friday. The Shocking Personal Synchronicity Implication As I said, for me, this set up for a huge psychological trip of the ultimate brutal test of whether or not I've learned my lessons regarding balancing my emotions and intellect with my heart. As you can see, the Blood Moon in Cancer is a lot like my birthday 36 years ago, Saturn is the ruling planet of my rising sign of Capricorn- an earthy sign that and it's said that your Rising Sign embodies who you were in your past lives (based on what I recall of my past lives this extremely accurate). Ironically, this week on July 7th I am posting a fascinating blog on Hebrew letter Ayain. Ayain is connected to both zodiac signs of Capricorn and Cancer...and in that video and elaborated blog meditation on that letter you will find that the Sefer Yetziarah instructs Capricorn to balance their Earthy with the emotional subconscious wellspring of Cancer... The result of this balance is 'opening the third eye of intuition.' This is undoubtedly my life purpose. I've always known that I was meant to Awaken in this life. My mission to Awaken was so important I brought far more spiritual energy then I should have into this realm. Yet, to see it spelled out in a ancient Hebrew letter at the same time I under go such a profound lesson with the heavens above mirroring this as the pivotal purpose of my life is the stuff of a good fictional novel...and seems more like a magical dream then the reality most people believe in...yet it is an undeniable coincidence. So, it is, that as in the heavens on Earth...I was faced with my worse fears to see if I have balanced my Earthy Nature with my Emotional Nature. This was a tremendous opportunity to come full circle...to face all of the same terror which I faced with Lilith-Ann...and realize that I have transformed myself so much in the last 4 years. The finality and conclusion of the set of lessons that I went through in the last 7 year cycle from 2011-2018 is incredible. I am also letting go of the final remnants of the previous cycle which means that my plate is being wiped clean for an endless potential for the next 7 year cycle. Conclusion Phew. This has been such a long and complicated post. By the time you have read this I will have posted a bonus blog that you can find on the right listed under Angel Korns and on my YouTube channel with a music video with pictures of Angel celebrating her life. Like Lilith-Ann I know it's more important to celebrate their time spent on Earth instead of mourning them. I'm making the video to inspire myself and others. My husband is going to record a unique song for the video as well so it will help bring us together to share our grief. Since he's a Leo any creative project we perform together brings us together. I know my next set of lessons will have a lot to do with creating a balanced relationship with him...having relationships with human beings has always been a challenge for me. We've been together for 9 years but there is still much to learn and to improve. As we are all eternal beings, even animals, the change of transitioning to Spirit is just as simple as stepping into another dimension of reality. I mourn, mostly, for myself and my loneliness and not for those I lost...whether human or animal. Needless to say, I'm amazed and humbled by this experience. I'm amazed with how much I have grown. I'm amazed because a set of dreams I have not covered, where everything was turning to ice, indicated that if I didn't do something I was going to go, "Back to Sleep." There is even more to the story but it's so delicate that I'm not sure if I want to dwell on it and cover it in a blog. I'm finding this weird interlacing of the past and the current time to be fascinating but confusing at the same time. I feel as though I passed a test that I had the opportunity to pass in 2000 and 2007. I feel like Galadriel in Lord of the Rings when she is tempted by the One Ring and she overcomes that incredible temptation. I'm amazed as the last things from the previous 7 year cycle (in particular what defined me when I was single from 2007-2009) are also falling away. My dog and my truck are the final remnants of that 'life.' The slate is being completely wiped clean for this new cycle. I am excited about my daughter Michelle and the potential for new experiences that the next cycles will bring. I don't know what I want really, aside from raising two children, so I'm just going into a receptive mode. That concept is very hard for me and deserves it's own post as it's the final lesson that I had to comprehend to pass this test. In the Hindu tradition this is called Tamas, and I just read a fascinating Hindu Scripture on the topic. As Jesus said, we don't need to worry about all of the details. "...seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33) I have done my part. Now, it's time to let the rest flow naturally.
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Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
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