Sorry I haven't been around recently! I have a tons of material I want to write about but... Well, it's been an interesting past two weeks! They say on the spiritual path you're going to face trials and tested in ways that ordinary people are not tested. Man, can I say that is the absolute truth. Here is a quote from a book I just finished which I may review this week: "The Creator acts like gravity: He is at the center of th universe. First, He pushes the souls to a distance of five worlds from Him...Later, He begins to pull us towards Him... We feel the process as compulsory, accompanied by all kinds of torments and pain. That anguish is intended to motivate us to replace our egoistic nature with an altruistic one." (The Path of the Kabbalah Rav Michael Laitman PhD.) A lot happened in the last few weeks and I've felt so sick and tired between all of these events I haven't been able to blog or do my videos. First, because I couldn't get to my computer after the cerclage surgery. I'll just break it down for you by the significant dates that were major events! Friday February 16th I had my doctors appointment. First, we started off in the ultrasound and after almost a month of not hearing the babies heartbeat it was really nice to hear it. That was a tremendou relief. This one is going to be a real rascal. The baby was moving and scooting and just not having the ultrasound tech measure the thicknes so her skull to test for down syndrom. The baby was not having it but he did manage to get it and the baby doesn't have down syndrom. Then we went to see the doctor and planned the cerclage for the following Tuesday which was the focus of the visit from that point on. We had a conversation about a genetic blood test that needed to be done. There were two choices...one that *might* be covered by the insurance company and one that would be $99 flat. I couldn't make the decision then becuase I had to call the insurance company to find out how much we would owe them. Both tests would tell us 100% for sure if it was a girl or boy and test for all sorts of genetic disorders. However, there was a second set of bloodwork that we were given and I didn't realize at the time I was supposed to have that done then. Later, when we got home I called the insurance company and it turned out the first option would be over seven hundred dollars! Clearly I wasn't going to do that one! The other thing was that the doctor did put me on disability starting on the 16th. So the 15th was my final day. In a way, I was really sad because it didn't feel conclusive. I didn't know what was going to happen. On the other hand, the most important thing is doing right by the baby. I was also very sick and tired of being at work not feeling well and worrying constantly that what happened with my daughter Lilith-Ann would happen with this baby. Knowing that the cerglage was happening on Tuesday and I was officially on disability Ross and I breathed a sigh of relief. As Ross and I have been saying we don't want to take any chances...but then... Saturday February 17th I apologize this is long and drawn out...and could be it's own blog...but seriously, it ties in with the baby and I'm venting here. This is my official statement if anyone ever asks me what occurred during this accident. I was riding along with Ross as he was picking up a package at a FedEx warehouse because the driver failed to deliver it properly. Since I wasn't doing any walking and just riding along I didn't think it would be awful and I was glad to get out of the house. Traffic on the 210 freeway was awful on our way back so Ross decided to take streets. We were on Huntington Drive because it paralells the 210 freeway. We probably would have gotten home faster if we had just stayed on the freeway. We had reached the intersection of Huntington Drive and Santa Anita. That street has one of those horrendous yield on solid green light signs in the interesction along with the usual arrows for a left turn. I hate those because some people can be super unpredictable at a yield on green light. I was paying attention because of my wariness of the intersection. We reached it when the cross traffic was going through. When the light Left Hand Turn Green Arrow started to change there was a vehicle that was completley in the interesection. Behind it was a vehicle that was partially in the intersection. We waited as the first vehicle turned and then waited as the vehicle that had partially entered the intersection went and at that point the arrow turned red. The third vehicle, a black sedan, came to a complete and total stop behind the white line. There was no indication that he was going to try to enter the interesection. After all, he'd reached it when the turn signal was red. At that point, the solid green light for cross traffic turned on and Ross started to accelerate. Of course, that meant the solid green light for the left hand turn lane- with the clerly marked sign that read YIELD with an image of the soid green light....also, turned green. We were already in the intersection when I heard the squeal of tires and saw that the guy in the left hand turn lane wasn't just partialy entering the intersection to wait his turn to turn left. He had floored it and was turning! I thought he had to be doing a really fast and very unsafe illegal u-turn...which he may have been successful in completeing. I started to say, "What the hell-" But no! He wasn't doing a u-turn! He swerved barely missing the big dark colored SUV to our left which swerved to miss him and continued through the intersection (at his rate of speed it wasn't safe for the SUV to stop because he may have been rear ended by the person behind him). Had the black sedan kept going at his insanely stupid rate of speed we would have missed him. Yet, inexlicably...he hit his brakes and slowed down significantly right in front of us! Ross was stomping on the breaks of the Jeep as hard as he could...the antilock brakes gripped...and I was thrown forward. I was about to look at Ross and say, "Oh my god that was a close one," but the thought hadn't reached my lips when... The antilock brakes let go...which is what they are meant to do to prevent a vehicle from skidding. Unfortunately, those few inches were just enough to where we caught the black sedan right at the back passenger door just before the tire. I was thrown to the left by the impact. The black sedan went out of control and hit the center median on the south side of the intersection. I was with it enough to snap a few pictures...in time to get a picture of the SUV that had been beside us and the still green light. The sign for the crosswalk still said 15 minutes. I also took a picture of the Black Ford Sedan on the center median. After work with insurance companies while I was at a Rental Car Company I know the value of pictures. That's why I leapt to action. When I took the picture of the Black Sedan I realized that the back left wheel of the Black Ford Sedan was spinning as though he was trying to go over the median! The dude who'd caused the accident was trying to run! Worse yet, the guy didn't have a license plate! He had paper plates! So, if he ran he'd never be caught! I quickly described to the 911 operator what his car looked like, told them that we were at the intersection of Huntington and Santa Anita. I told them I believed the other car was trying to run and that I was a high risk pregnancy. At that moment, my main concern was my baby. Then a Nation Forest Service truck that was going southbound on Santa Anita came across and blocked the black sedan in. I'm not sure he realized the guy was trying to run. The National Forest Service member went to the other car and asked if everyone was alright. Then he came to us and asked if we were alright. I asked him if he saw what happened and he said no. I told him I was a high risk pregnancy. I was near tears. This was defintely not a chance I wanted to take with my babies life! The driver of the other car came up to my window and tired to intimdate me yelling, "You ran a red light!" To which I replied, "NO it was green, I have pictures and I'm on the phone with 911!" He backed off. A woman came up to my window then. She stated that she was a witness. She'd been in the car behind us. She gave us her name and phone number. She said she had been admiring the beautiful jeep when the light turned green. "It, was entirely his fault. He did not have the right away." The driver started to yell at her and she held up her hand, "I am not talking to you. I am here for them!" Then the other driver started taking pictures...even to the point where he jay walked to the center divider next to where he would have been waiting at the light and took a picture of the 'light' which he later told the officer was, "Taken just as we were leaving the intersection." Yeah Right. I gave her a big hug, thanked her for her information and she had to go. About that time the police officer came and instructed us to leave the interesection. The other car removed itself from the median and pulled in front of us. As Ross talked to the police officer and the other driver the Firemen came. I guess I must have been pretty pale and didn't look good. Four very big firemen told me they were going to do vitals since I was a high risk pregnancy and asked me to go to the ambulance. They helped me out of the jeep and pretty much insisted. There was no way I was going to say no! I was shaking and it was hard for me to walk. I think I was having a full panic attack and this is the only situation besides a miscarriage that I think would be able to trigger one. They took my vitals and my blood pressure was off the charts. So, off to Methodist Hospital in Arcadia I went. They did blood tests right away and set up for an ultrasound. Meanwhile, I was worried about Ross and that he'd know where I was going. Luckily, he found the paper with the witness's name and phone number that I had left on top of my purse so he gave it to the police officer. The big moment was the ultrasound. The baby was fine! In fact the baby was scotting and rolling over and doing flips just as it did when we were at the O.B.G.Y.N's office the day before. My blood pressure returned to normal after the hours at the E.R. and, finally, we were released! Aside from a huge bruise from the seat belt that sticks up out of the seat (which was the main place I was hurting after the accident) and a red mark from the seat belt across my chest the baby and I are fine! What really made me sick was the guy had his wife and two small kids in the car! Oh, and while we were waiting at the hospital talking about what happened I asked Ross, "Why did he brake in front of us? He almost missed us? Why did he brake?" Ross explained, "He was going to hit the median." My mouth gaped open. Then I looked at the photo I had taken and realized he ended up on the left side of the median. Had a car been in the left hand turn lane to turn onto Huntington Drive he would have hit it head on! He hit the brakes because he saw that he was going to hit the median! If there hadn't been a median he probably would have just cut through and been fine. Reckless and completely inconsiderate of human life...but at least I wouldn't have been involved in an accident and spent hours in the E.R.! Also, he tried to tell Ross that the damage to the Jeep we were driving was minor. I think he was still trying to get out of calling his insurance company. Which is Geico and their representatives have been extremely unprofessional. All in all, we did meet 9 amazing people that day- the national forest service person who stopped to help, the police officer, the four firemen who insisted on taking me to the hospital just to be sure, two really great nurses at Methodist Hospital and a really nice ultrasound technician. Yes, we encountered one complete and utter inhuman boorish individual who had no respect for the human life- not for his wife, his children or anyone at the intersection including my unborn child!- but I'm sure karma has some really interesting things in store for him! Tuesday February 20th Thankfully, since all was well on Saturday...on Tuesday the Cerclage surgery still occurred. Of course, I had to fast the night before so the last time I had eaten was 9pm. I was confused because I had been called and told two different places to go for the surgery. Luckily, we planned on going to the doctors office and having my blood drawn prior to the surgery because we had the $99 genetic test. I asked the clerk at the office desk if it was at the surgery center across the parking lot or Presbyterian Hospital because both locations had called me to do a pre-surgery check in asking about my history. She said at the surgery center. Then we were handed the blood work and went down to have my blood drawn. Since we were done with all of that with twenty minutes to spare we went to the surgery center early just to be certain the surgery would be done there. Thankfully, they knew what was going on and we were sent to Presbyterian Hospital. The hospital wasn't very far away so we made it there in plenty of time. The check in process was very fast. There was a mixup when they asked me to get into a gown. There were two different types on the bed so I had to flag down a volunteer who told me which one was right and took the extra gown. I had a spinal tap done for the surgery. They informed me that I would be numb from the waiste down. I decided to approach it from the point of view that it would be an interseting experience to know what it feels like to have paralyzed legs. I learned there is a difference between a spinal tap and an Epidural. A spinal tap is just one injection and a Epidural keeps the drug flowing in a drip. I'd never experienced either procedure as with Lilith-Ann there wasn't time to even discuss the idea of pain free options. Turns out I was supposed to have a full panel of bloodwork done on Friday. That one was supposed to be for the surgery. Of course, that didn't happen because we thought the paperwork we had received was only for the genetic test. So, thankfully I had a copy of the bloodwork from the accident with me and that worked. Once the IV was started with a antibiotic I wasn't allergic to (I'm allergic to penicillan) and everything was ready to go they wheeled me into the surgery room. Ross went off to have lunch with his friend Aaron at our favorite Thai food restaurant. I was very disappointed. I decided to sit up for the spinal tap. I was aware of what felt like a tube going into my back just above a vertabrae and then something, probably the needle, being insiderted into it and going far deeper into my body then I thought possible without puncturing an organ. I described the sensation to the anethesiologist and he was shocked, "That's an accurate description of what I did. Most people aren't that sensitive." I was shocked, as he explained I'd feel my feet going numb first. There was a pleasent warmth that slowly traveled up my legs leaving them numb. He knew just where it would be as it traleled up. I was surprised. They had me lay down and began putting my legs up into the stirrups where they would remain during the surgery. Then the draped a towel across so I couldn't see what they were doing. I could only see shadows. During all of this the anathesiologist and I were talking about Thai food. I could feel a pulsing sensation around my waste...almost as though I could detect the electrical impluses to my legs that were coming to an abrupt end there. I heard the doctor say he wished they had a smaller needle when he started but aside from that I tuned out what he was saying. I decided to meditate. So I did my Heavenly Light meditation bringing the light down through my crown chakra and through my body. I let it flow through me and, quite honestly, reached such a state of bliss I almost forgot where I was and nearly fell asleep. The surgery was done quickly. They were taking down the screen and I watched as they kind of roughly put down my legs. I could feel, just barely, the tips of my toes. I had the bizarre realization that my legs are fall smaller and weaker looking then they 'feel' when I had sensation in them. Then, as they were bringing the gurney up to move me from the surgery table, I felt myself gag. I dutifully told the anethesiologist and he started moving quickly. He folded up a blue towel and put it to the right of my head inistructing me to turn my head to the side. Letting go and allowing myself to puke was a bit hard but I followed The next thing I knew I was puking a lot. The anethesiologist sucked up the puke with a tube but the way they put the towel caused it to shoot up and out. Unfortunately, the two nurses who came in to wrap up the surgery screamed a little as my puke hit them. Yup, I did my version of the Exorcist. I was taken to recovery where they asked me a bunch of routine quesitons and they were shocked to see that I could wiggle my toes. I would have happily gone to sleep but they wouldn't let me. The nurses said my recovery time was fast. I could wiggle my toes as soon as I got out and bend my knees about an hour later. The nearest sensation of the returning feeling to those limbs was a flowing sensation kind of like when your arm is in an awkward position and 'wakes up.' The last test was walking to the bathroom and using it...which I tried unsuccessfully at first. So I drank a lot of water and ate some apple juice. I kept all of it all thank goodness... and again, off to the bathroom I went. I guess, the bladder is the last part to wake up. But thankfully, even though the nurses thought it was miraculous...it only took me two hours to recover and urinated my way to freedom. Then I was happily on my way to have Thai food with Ross at our favorite Thai food restraunt. His friend Aaron had brought along some of Ross' former co-workers and they went to Jersey Mike's instead. So, I got to sate my hunger at Satu Thai Bistro in Azusa. I highly recommend everything on their menu. Every single dish I have tried there is amazing! I am happy to report that I have absolutely no pain and discomfort after the surgery. I'm not sure if I have a high tolerance for pain or if the Light of Heaven meditation is the cause. Either way I'm thankful. However, I did sleep a lot after the surgery and I really didn't try to push myself physically so who knows what would have happened. I was on bed rest afterwards and couldn't go upstairs to the second floor of my house. So I'm sleep downstairs...and my computer was upstairs. That's another reason I'm not writing this blog until now...my computer is finally downstairs where I can get to it. Conclusion
So, that, my friends is why I haven't been on...and also because I have an acute form of pregnancy brain. I feel as though I am in a constant fog which makes reading and writing a bit difficult. My body just literally wants to sleep and I have little bursts of energy after eating decently sized meals. However, because of my nausea I try to watch my calories thorughout the day and have smaller meals. All of that said I am very thankful for everything turning out so amazing. I cannot be more thankful for the fact that I found an OBGYN that is doing everything in his power to make sure my child is born safe and healthy. Dr. Kassar Sr. at Woodglen Medical Center in Glendora is a huge blessing and brillant doctorhi. I am so thankful that the accident wasn't worse. The airbags didn't pop (I'm surprised they didn't) and I give thanks for our witness, Maryann who I'd never met in my life and can't believe stopped...it just restores my faith in humanity. I am so thankful for the firefighters whose top concern was me when they responded. I don't know all of their names but I know one's last name was Maize...because he was excited my name was Korns. They were so sweet, kind and caring. I am so thankful for everyone at Methodist Hospital in Arcadia. That was the nicest, most reassuring and kind set of nurses, technicians and doctors I've ever met in an E.R. Finally, as you can read below...the results of the genetic screening came in...our baby is 100% healthy with no abnormalities...and it's a Girl! I'm sure Ross and I will announce the name soon. I think we have agreed on it already but that's his announcement to make when we think it's approriate. I have follow up OB appointment next Monday!
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I know I keep doing personal updates.
I have a lot of other material I want to share. However, today I would normally post a YouTube video and I feel I owe an explaination for why it's not happening. I hate not being dependable about things but videos are a lot more complicated then simple blogs. My morning sickness has been extreme. I had the same sort of extreme morning sickness with my last pregnancy. This time it really amazes me I was able to do all that I did last time. When the nausea and dizziness hits it makes me absolutely sick and I can't think straight. Every day at 10am...bam! I'm hit with an overwhelming wave of nausea and desire to throw up. The only thing helping me right now are something called Preggie Pop Drops which I bought at Babies R Us. I think the fact I'm on antibiotics also adds to the tummy issues. The antibiotics are similar to penicillen which I'm allergic to and although I haven't seen any rash I do get a weird cough whenever I take them. So, I haven't really wanted to get out of bed this week I feel so sick. Of course, I've been going to work which is a struggle in and of itself because I'm on my feet for a few hours. Luckily, it's union and they're required to give me 15 minute breaks every two hours so...yay for me! But I get home and I craw in bed and sleep for hours. I'm exteremely grateful for the morning sickness because it indicates the pregnancy is going well. I'm also extremely grateful for the place I work at because everyone takes care of me and because it's union there are so many good things built in. That makes all the difference and I sincerly hope this pregnacny goes well. Next month, after the 16th I'll be off of work and on bed rest. So, there won't be much of an excuse not to make the videos. Hopefully, then I'll be nice and dependable again. Right now, it's just a struggle balancing morning sickness with work. Thank you everyone for hanging in there with me through this interesting rough patch. Last week was a bit overwhelming for me.
The final weeks of December 2017 were rough and the first week of 2018 was brutal. I worked for six days straing, starting on Saturday all the way through Thursday and they were all eight hour shifts. When that happens I usually have some time to write my blogs or I will use the blogs I've already written (which I do have several of) but things were a little bit more compicated then that. First, and perhaps the most sensational news, is that I discoverd that I was pregnant. This was actually the week before Christmas that I discovered it (December 20th to be exact) but I couldn't go to the doctors right away. I had no insurance in the month of December because I was eight hours short of meeting my minimum for insurance coverage in the month of October. The things I do to have good reasonably priced insurance! So, that was the first thing that was kind of mind blowing and I'll go into some detail of that. However, on top of that I came down with the flu. Now, because I was pregnant I couldn't take anything for the flu and I couldn't go to the doctor for help because I had no insurance. Well, that sums up the final weeks of 2017 for me. I was in this in between state of being super sick with the flu, which has been horrible this year in southern California with nearly everyone getting sick (because people with the flu can't stay home but have to work). So, in that last final stretch of six days of work straight it was me focusing on getting through the eight hours of work with a combination of the Flue and Morning Sickness. Then I'd come home and go straight to bed all while expectantly looking forward to my OB appointment on Friday the 5th. Also, on top of this my research into Self-Actualization- the final step on the Hierarchy of Needs by Abraham Maslow- was a bit more complicated then I expected. I ordered a book by Maslow called The Farther Reaches of Human Nature and I will go into more detail later about readint that in this blog. The Pregnancy I have mentioned on here many times how my daughter, Lilith-Ann was born prematurely at 23 weeks and passed away three days later. I have at least five other miscarriages and a blighted ovum. The Blight Ovum was particularly hard because that started off as a normal pregnancy but when an ex-boyfriend and I went in to find out the gender there was no heart beat. The miscarriage with my husband Ross in 2015 was particularly hard given that we had such high hopes only to go in and find out there was no heart beat. I remember in 2015 it was one of the most crushing. One, because the doctor I had gone to that had delivered my daughter was such a moron. He had assured me nothing would go wrong with the next pregnancy. Then we go in and there is no heart beat and he says that I am an excellent canidate for surrogacy. He was a complete and utter unempathetic idiot. My current doctor is very wise, if a little forgetful. For some reason when we went in the processed me as a new paitent...even though I went twice last year (do I really need to go to an OB more then that?). He did, however, pull up my file when I told him he sent me to have the septum reduction and quickly ordered a ultrasound (I don't think he would have if he thought we were a walk in as previously thought by his front end ladies who are not too bright). The babies heart beat was probably the most important moment. The ultrasound tech found the baby and the heart beat very easily. What a releif after so many bad experiences where I went in and there wasn't a heart beat! As of today, I'm at seven weeks. The doctor had said previously he would put me out as soon as we had a heart beat but he changed it. I will be going back this Friday so they can have a better look at the baby and hopefully have a better plan in place. I think last Friday I was just more overwhelmed with the fact he baby was okay then anything else and once I knew that I just wanted to take a nap. This year, as I said, is a year of dramatic change for me. I will know this year if I will have children or not. Quite possibly, this pregnancy is the decisive moment for me. I believe this one will work out fine. Things are dramatically different from my last experience. I have a very knowledgeable wise doctor, an incredible job with people who support me (I can't say how much I love my supervisor Angie and my bookkeeper Stephanie), and Ross isn't distracted by work or trying to buy a house so he's actually much more present during this pregnancy. The Farther Reaches of Human Nature I will be writing a review for this book this week. First, I discovered Self-actualization is far more complicated then I thought. As I did research online I realized it was very subjective and there was as lot of projection by authors attempting to cover the subject. To rule out other people's subjective opinions and projection on the topic I chose to go straight to the source...Abraham Maslow. So, I ordered the book The Farther Reaches of Human Nature. I chose those book, instead of his first book, because it was later in his life. In fact, this book was published after he died. I wanted to get his final thoughts, his mature thinking, on the ideas that set him apart from the other pschologists (this is also why I wread Pathways to Bliss by Joseph Campbell). The book is 375 pages long. While usually this wouldn't be very hard for me to read with everything else going on in my life it actually proved difficult. Plus, Maslow is a little bit of a sensationlist in the way he speaks. There were times I had to put the book down, ponder what he had said and go back to it. I made a lot of notes as I read the book and realized that the amount of information shared was a bit overwhelming. With both the flu and morning sickness last week I wasn't capable of thinking clearly enough to sort through the information and make an cohesive YouTube video. The Self-Actualizing level of the Hierarchy of Needs is defintely the most complex. Maslow even laments at one point, 'It is unfortunate that I can no longer be theoretically neat at this level." (pg 270). Hence, since the man himself isn't really organized it's a bit hard to make a short concise message out of his work. I do have high hopes of boiling it down to a very simple short video that I will share this week. Although, I still need to sit down and actually write it I now have my notes in order enough to know how exactly I want to tackle the subject. Since the subject is immense, and there is a lot to it I will keep it as simple and short as possible which might leave a lot to be desired. But I will be doing a conclusion video where I go into more depth about what Maslow had to say about Being or the B-Realm which I have decided not to cover in depth in the Self-Actualization video, Phew! Conclusion I apologize that I simply disappered. The final weeks of December 2017 were rough and the first week of 2018 was brutal. Thankfully, I have this week off by chance and I will hopefully be 100% rid of the flu. I'm still suffering from nasal congestion but it's minor compared to the fever and cough. The next three weeks, if I do work, might be a bit spotty. Working, and battling morning sickness might make it difficult for me to keep up with my posts. Espeically if I work long hours as I did last week. So, please bear with me during this extremely trying but exciting time in my life! I will keep you updated with the pregnancy as it goes along as it is only right for me to chronicle what happens on here as it is very much a part of my healing and spiritual journey. |
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Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
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