The Path is a Spiral.
When we don't learn a lesson the first time we will come back to it...time and time again. Then there are occasional Pop Quiz's (I have to credit Jamie Sams fo that name) thrown in for good measure to make sure we haven't relapsed to our previous behaviors. You may have noticed a huge change. I've taken a break from YouTube and I've taken a break from my personal Facebook. The combination of personal drama and a small hemmorraging event (if I hadn't gone through something similar several times I'm sure I would have gone to the Emergency Room but I've learned they don't do anything but wait around to see if a person will bleed out enough to need a blood transfusion.) episode that was a part of my body healing from c-section triggered my PTSD. I stayed home, continued to take care of Michelle, tried to keep off my feet and tracked how many heavy 10 hour pads I soaked through in an hour. My husband barely noticed- I really have to freak out for him to notice stuff. Steps I Took To Heal From This Dark Night The details aren't as important as the lesson. Thanks to studying the Path Of The Seeker from different perspectives I can, thankfully, remember steps to reclaim my center when I'm knocked off balance. At first during the dark night it's hard not to sulk. A big part of experiencing that first phases, called Calcination in Alchemy, is to allow the feelings and learn from them. I always shoved down the unpleasent feelings trying to hide or ignore them hoping the situation that gave rise to them will go away. However, in psychology that's called repression and they always come back...just a lot stronger and at really inconveinant times. Naming The Cause First, I have to recognize that this is a response to feeling neglected. Now, my mom was a clean freak who obsessed over cleaning the house. She spent more time cleaning the house then with me when she was a housewife. Then when she got a job she became obsessed with it and continues to be today. She just doesn't have time for anything else in her life but her job, a little gossip and the news. So, that's the origin of the conditioned response. Over the last three or so years, my husband has neglected our relationship preferring a fellow muscian and Sunday "band" practice every week. The guy was a third wheel even through my pregnancy. They even went to a concert and comedy club together. Not only did he spend almost all day at my house every Sunday, with a meal out, but every Friday when I had an OB appointment he had to meet up with us for lunch. In truth, I felt like I was the third wheel in my own marriage. This gave rise to huge jealous issues, here I was experiencing a very important moment in my life and my husband had to drag someone else into it. To say it was an unpleasent experience is an understatement. I even went so far to demand if my husband was gay. So, that triggered my negative conditioned response from childhood. I try to not be a burden on someone elses time because, deep dowm, I hold the beliefI'm not worthy of thir time or as important as other people. Asking For Spiritual Help Naming the isue is a big step but this is the second step is the hardest for me. I don't have anyone in the flesh that I trust to help me with these issues. So, I ask for spiritual instruction and the overwhelming response was I need to stop protecting and trying to save Ross. The Core Belief/Behavior Next, is to identify the core belief that gives rise to this recurring paatern. Feeling like I'm in the back seat of my life has been a recurring event in all of my relationships. Both my parents are narcisstic, my close friends were all narcissitic and all my ex's. I'm what Lee Harris refers to as a "Rescuer Empath". With newly clear eyes I can view my relationships for what they were now that I can see this pattern. I blamed myself when Ross constantly made selfish decisions. I made my needs small and went without alot. How many girlscan say they went shopping for new clothes three times in ten years? For soe reaspn (though I know better for myself) I though if all of my husbands greatest desires were fulfilled he'd be happy. I worked my butt off going to school full time while being a full time supervervisor when we first met. Then a manager with 50+ hour weeks for three years. Then I nearly worked full time for three more years. All the while I did all of the cooking (he never liked any over the 100 dishes I made for him) and household chores except cleaning the cats litter box, and mowing the yard and taking the trash bins to the curb once a week. While I've learned for myself that material objects won't make me happy during my spiritual journey...I tend to shower those I love with presents. I was operating from that old paradigm in my relationship with my husband. I realize, because I made my needs small and was ok sacrificing my needs because I was willing to do whatever it took to get to a place where we could both be happy and start a family...I let him run amok. I realized that it began at the very beginning of our marriage. I was going to school full time and working as a supervisor full time in addition to household chores, although, at the time we lived in a two bedroom apartment so there were hardly any. I thought it was really cool his Dad offered to pay for whatever Honeymoon we wanted. Ross asked me what my dream honeymoon was and I said a Cruise around the Greek Islands. I trusted him, because he had far less on his plate because he was just a regular worker at the company he worked at doing around 40 hours a week he could plan it. I beleived him when he said that he had 'made a mistake' and didn't include the plane tickets for the trip in the amount he asked for from his Dad. We were, he said, taking our honeymoon during the peak season and he didn't want to ask his Dad for more money. So, he asked if I would mind if we spent that money on buying the motorcycle? I had a lot on my plate, as I said, and would have to do homework on the honeymoon so I decided fine...it had been a hassle to get a passport anyways. I made the best of our strictly budgeted frantic $1000 budget honeymoon but it was far from romantic. That set the trend. Since then Ross has kept me on a very small budget. I had a set amount of fun money $40, I could spend on my needs, per month. Meanwhile, his music and any tools he wanted to buy didn't have to come out of his fun money budget (he used it on food mostly) because, supposedly, they could possibly make us money. He needed the tools for his work. Nine years later and he has not even attempted to relase a song and he hasn't made a dime on his music but he's spent thousands of dollars. The past nine years have been littered with Ross meeting all of his needs while hating everything I wanted to do. When I had a little extra money that was mine for building websites for a few people I took him to Disneyland. He was miserable and the trip was pretty awful. I paid for him to get a massage, my first, along with me...and he said that the woman who gave him a massage actually hurt him. He was ungrateful for anything I tried to do for him (not entirely his fault, though, his entire family is that way). Meanwhile, every goal that he ever had has been met. I was elated when I realized that around June of last year...but of course, as we know on the Path of the Seeker, that wasn't enough. He got into a new hobby I couldn't support- guns and shooting. To the point where he was late for his cousins meeting Michelle for the first time, because he threw togeter a group of people to go shooting at the last minute. He paid thousands of dollars for guns, ammunition, cases, cleaning materials, and targets....and then even had his best friend lie. The Lesson I need to stop keeping my needs small and sacrificing what I want for my husband. He is not going to be happy even if he doesn't. I've allowed him to get away with his bad behavior for 9 years. I can honestly he has everything he ever wanted and he's not happy. I did the best I could and I am done. So if I want something. I"m going to buy it. Conclusion I had this same sork of wake up call back in 2014 but I wasn't strong enough to see it for what it was. Back then, I was pregnant and eating Healthy Choice meals at lunch and Ross would yelled at me if I went out to eat lunch with the other pregnant girl at work. He wouldn't let me quit the job even though I felt I was endangering my daughter and he held me to the strict budget because he needed my income to qualify for our house. He controlled my diet because he was concerned for the babies health...seemingly good intentions but woefully misguidede. Meanwhile, after my daughter was born prematurely I discovered during that entire time he had been going to 7/11 and buying slurpees almost every day. So, here I am back where I was in 2014. I have revisited everything that led to the crisis that led me to being on disability for a year with severe depression and panic attacks that kept me from getting out of bed. This time, I'm armed with spiritual knowledge. He is responsible for his actions and I hold him 100% accountable. I am not victim blaming by saying I have a responsiblity to see my part in the situation. What I have to do is change my behavior and our relationship will have to change. He will have to grow as an individual to accept the new status quo. The one thing I know for certain about the future is I am not going back to the person that I was and now that I see how I've been manipulated (by the way, past friends and ex's are just as guilty- the ex-husband was far worse!) everything has changed. Right now, I'm celebrating this as a victory. I am grieving for the relationship I thought I had but I'm glad I woke up and be the mother that my daughter deserves. I have no interested in ending my marriage. I beleive that my husband has it in him to be a true partner and I still love the person he is at the very core but I have to take this day by day. I'm just really enjoying my beautiful little daughter and the gifts every day brings.
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Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
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