As I head into the cycle of Motherhood relationships are definitely a focus in my life. My relationship with my husband will be strengthened and perhaps even tested as we deal with the challenge of raising a little independent being. My relationship to my daughter will also be of paramount importance. In both of these I'm obligated to do my best regardless of circumstances...good or bad.
When it comes to friends...none will be a priority over my husband or daughter. What is the purpose of relationships? What makes a relationship good or bad? I've learned a few things on the Path of the Seeker. The Eight Fold path of Buddhisim has an entire chapter dedicated to relationships. The Purpose of Relationships Whether it's the channel Bashar or the Buddhist Eight Fold Path....relationships are described as a mirror. The deeper and more committed the relationship the more likely the person you have a relationship with will mirror back to you the traits you do not want to see because they are going to give you honest feed back. The person who lives with you sees you in a totally different light then your friends or acquaintances at work. Parents see you in a different light then your spouse. Your children see you differently then anyone else. Each relationship is a unique journey. Most importantly every relationship gives us the opportunity to learn more about ourselves. The Important Lesson of Criticism in Relationships When a friend, partner, or child point out a flaw the last thing we need to do is become angry. Often our tendency is to defend our egoic sense of self, which we can't stand to see as flawed if we have not matured. That defensiveness can turn into resentment and a breakdown of the relationship. We shouldn't be constantly changing ourselves to suit another person's needs in a people pleasing doormat fashion of someone with poor boundaries...but we should be receptive to criticism. The best thing to do is to look at the situation from the perspective that criticism offers us an opportunity to know ourselves better and to learn about the other person. Here discernment is absolutely a necessary skill. This is why serious relationships are better for fully developed individuals who know themselves. Even in relationships with mere acquaintances, including the people we work with, we have the opportunity to learn and grown. We must practice discernment because, often times, with immature individuals criticism is a form of projection. The more the other person despises parts of themselves the more likely they are going to be irritated with them in other people. The trick then is not to instantly react in relationships to criticism. First, we need to determine if the other person is projecting their un-owned traits upon ourselves. If they are this gives us the opportunity to learn more about them. Second, if we determine that it is a flaw in ourselves we can then decide to work on that flaw. How do I need to change to fix this? Third, we may determine the criticism is true to some degree but there is no need to change. For example, someone might disagree with your spiritual beliefs and suggest that they are wrong or stupid. That might be true for them in their opinion but you choose to agree to disagree. A person might hate the way that we eat but we determine that it's something that is a dislike isolated to that one individual. The ability to assess the situation and come to one of the above conclusions indicates that you're capable of a authentic relationship. If you have knee-jerk reactions to the situation of criticism more personal development is needed. Mediation in all of it's forms will help quiet the inner sea of emotions allowing for reflection on the matter before a reaction. Giving and Receiving Another fantastic opportunity that all relationships provide is the opportunity to practice giving and receiving. As human beings none of us are good at this practice. After all, we wouldn't have come to this plane of existence (Malkuth) if we didn't have the desire to receive for ourselves. Practicing the balance of giving and receiving is tremendously important. There are many forms of giving and receiving...recognition, emotional, financial, gifts and care taking. Heck, simply smiling and saying hello to a stranger who replies hello back is a form of giving and receiving. Giving to others without strings attached...without expecting to receiving anything back and especially to strangers shows us the type of rewards that we can reap from such action. Although the rewards may not be directly attached to the act it does come back to us in other ways. For example, one day I was at one of my favorite sandwich shops and the person in front of me didn't have enough money in their account to pay for the sandwich they ordered. Many months later, due to a billing error, my own account was empty when I went to pay. The employee who had seen my act of kindness many months before paid for my sandwich. I went back as soon as I had enough money in my account and repaid her with a little extra. Some people fail to understand the purpose of giving or contributing to a relationship. They just want to take the benefits offered and make no effort to contribute to their partner because they feel their presence in the other person's life is enough of a gift that they don't need to do anything else. This leads to a horrible imbalance that will eventually be resented by the partner that is always giving. These types of relationships never last. For me, the greatest pleasure is to give other people thoughtful gifts that recognize their interests and essence. I love the act of giving and seeing how a well purchased gift can cause a person to be extremely grateful and the feeling of being recognized. When it comes to Receiving we have to accept in all forms whether recognition, emotional, financial, gifts or care taking. Sometimes this is as simple as smiling back at a child or a person at the grocery store. Sometimes it's allowing yourself to cry on someone else's shoulder when going through a traumatic experience. Sometimes it's asking for financial help from loved ones...and other times it may be a unexpected gift (whether it's something we desire or not...the ugly sweaters Grandma sent to you for example) or allowing someone to take care of us if we are physically disabled. I've seen many older people struggle with receiving care giving because it hurts their pride. They are so used to being indepdent the very idea of being depending on someone else to meet their needs is humiliating. They want to do everything for themselves even as they wet the bed and their hand shakes as they feed themselves. Please, do yourself a favor and learn the pleasure of receiving help before this point. I have struggle with receiving. I used to turn away gifts, including tips, when I was younger because I didn't want to feel like I owed anyone anything. I thought everything came with a price tag. However, that's not true. I've learned that there are people who give from the heart (as I do....so I don't know why I'm surprised) and expect nothing back in return. I receive gifts often now. I have also had the life lesson of having to learn to trust other people to take care of me when I was disabled. While pregnant with my daughter Michelle I had to depend on my husband to do absolutely everything as I was in bed rest...from the finances to making dinner every night to making the necessary preparations for our daughters arrival. Since I'm usually the active one who likes to create to-do-lists and complete projects...it's been tough to settle back and stay in a Receptive Mode...a subject that I have written a blog about back in November. Forgiveness Forgiveness is perhaps the hardest thing to practice in our closest and most intimate relationships. Yet, we should practice genuine forgiveness in all of our relationships. People are going to make mistakes. A lot of people have a hard time forgiving themselves for making mistakes, especially if there are serious consequences, but when we practice forgiving others we can find the ability to forgive ourselves. Eventually, as I accepted that making mistakes is a natural part of the human experiences and everyone has legitimate reason for the mistakes they have made...how can you not forgive people. To judge another and hold a grudge against them for making mistakes is hypocritical and an act in futility. Others are going to let you down at some time and holding them to the false expectation of perfection will only bring suffering. Now, there is a certain point where someone stops making mistakes and they start doing things intentionally. If the intention is there to harm or if they genuinely don't care about the person they are negatively affecting...then it is more then acceptable to hold them accountable. There is a point where we can be far to forgiving and make excuses for the excusable...victims of physical abuse often demonstrate this failure in discernment. Again, discernment is the key...did the person mean to intentionally hurt you or was it an honest mistake? If it was an honest mistake then you should forgive them. We can even forgive those who intentionally harm others because in their mind was a distortion that justified that action. That doesn't excuse their action nor does it excuse them for being punished by the law...but we can understand that people can do terrible things because they are not capable of discernment or realizing that they have a choice. People pushed to that edge are usually plagued by a heavy psychological shadow and they are suffering terribly. We can forgive them for not truly knowing what they do. Practicing Transparency There is a statement I came across a long time ago that I don't know the source of that stated, "Who is capable of standing naked before God?" I saw this as personal challenge to become as transparent as possible...to be as spotless as possible so that nothing was hidden. I decided that lying was not for me and I have told everyone I know not to tell me their secrets because I don't want to have the burden of keeping things hidden. In relationships of all kinds it is essential that we do not lie or keep information from the other person. Now, in friendships you don't have to tell your friend absolutely everything. When it comes to a spouse, however, I think it's integral not to keep any secrets. My husband knows every little detail of anything I think is important. He knows that I don't hide anything from him (except maybe candy but he knows my hiding spots and he knows if he asked I would tell him)...and our relationship is better because of that trust. Sometimes it's hard to be honest...especially about our feelings or when we are afraid of hurting the other persons feelings. Yet, honesty is the best policy and talking things out instead of resenting each other for imagined hurts is the healthiest option. This may require some intense honest Shadow Work. This may not come naturally but relationships are wonderful place to start practicing transparency. When you have nothing to hide there is far less to fear. The Practice Of Seeing Buddha In Our Relationships I love this practice. Here, until you can really perceive the concept, you treat each person that you meet as Buddha or Yeshua or God...whichever you find a more acceptable concept. The people who are mean, superficial or cruel are just the sleeping Buddha's of the world. They still have that Buddha within but they haven't awakened. I had a far easier time treating each customer I encountered at work as a piece of the divine then I did my husband. I know all of his strengths and limitations by heart. I've seen him in a rage and I've seen him as his normal happy go lucky self. I know his likes and his dislikes...In fact, it's because I am more then aware of what makes him human that it makes it hard to see past that to the Buddha that I know he contains. I realized this recently...but if we should treat anyone as a divine being it should be our spouse and even our children. I know some people will be absolutely horrified by the idea of elevating their children to a sacred status. Yet, raising a child is one of our most sacred duties. That soul is trusting you to give them the best conditions for their own spiritual growth and development in life. They are depending on you to equip them with coping skills to succeed in life. The mere fact that so many kids in this latest generation have resorted to violence and suicide shows that many parents are failing this sacred duty. Too often parents depend on schools to give their kids the coping skills to help develop them into adults...but schools are under no obligation to do so...all the do is teach kids what information to memorize so they can pass tests and get into college. I guarantee you if you treat your spouse and children the way you would treat the most divine figure that you are capable of imagining your life will change. If you wouldn't say it to Buddha or Yeshua you have no business saying it to your spouse, children or even your friends. When you realize that you would say something like that to them it's time to search your heart and do some Shadow Work. Conclusion Relationships are ripe with the opportunity for self-development. There is no reason to look at relationships as anything other then a gigantic opportunity to develop yourself more fully. There are a lot of skills that you can only develop in a close relationship. Acquaintances, being shallow, cannot provide the same amount of spiritual sustenance and learning that an intimate relationship will bring. The thing is that you need to balance what you bring to the relationship with the ability to receive what the other person brings. All it takes to appreciate a relationship is the right perspective.
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Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
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