Today I am a different person...transformed on a level I never knew existed.
I'm going into a very different and new phase of my life where all of my dreams have come true. All of them. Unequivocally. Yes, it was hard letting go of all the things I clung to that I thought defined me in some way. I felt like I was being stripped of the final bits of the persona that I had once constructed and worn...they were so engrained and so much a 'part of me' that I didn't even realize how they were out of alignment. Based on my favorite YouTubers- Victor Oddo, Colette Baron-Reid, Molly McCord and a few others I'm not the only one. Spiritual Maturity has also come up a lot...but I'll cover that in another blog. My daughter Michelle has entered the world...but it was far more bumpy then I could have imagined. Again, I found myself facing the same fears that I faced with Lilith-Ann...a profoundly terrifying but...in the end...inspiring experience. The Day She Was Born Everything went so well. When I told the nurses her name was Michelle Annmarie they were exicted. They had a Michelle Ann and an Annmarie on the staff. Michelle Ann came to see us before the surgery and wished us luck. Then Annmarie was in the operating room with another nurse named Georgia and helped to bathe and assit the peditrician in evaluating Michelle Annmarie. What Happened? I was left thinking this in dumb dismay after my empty hospital room. The first day was perfet. The c-section had gone smoothly. I didn't throw up from the anesthetic. I was on cloud nine with my little one in my arms. In the delivery room her peditrician gave me the thumbs up saying she was perfect. Dad got to hold her first as he took a super photogenic picture. I wanted to exclusively breast feed and that first day she latched on...which was amazing! Most babies don't do that on the first day. I was told she and I were doing a fantastic job. She was only happy being tucked into the bed next to me sitting up. Day Two Then the following day she went to the nursery to get a vaccination and a routine oxygen test done. Well, the routine blood oxygen test shocked the doctor. He tested her three times and her blood oxygen level awas at 80. That was way too far into the red zone. The next time I saw my gorgeous daughter she was in an incubator being transported by paramedics to a different hospital. She had all of the tubes connected to her that my daughter Lilith-Ann had when she was at the same Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Even the feeding tube. I was horrifed beyond comprhension thinking that my little girl might not make it...the entire experience was surreal. I cried as I said my goodbye but all I could tell her was, "I'm so sorry, so so sorry." I wondered if I had completely messed up by having her at the hospital that I did (because the doctor I wanted to perform the c-section only worked there). I wondered if because I was eager to have my c-section done to rule out the possibility of having to do an emergency c-section with a doctor I didn't know...that I had caused her to be born too soon (although, clearly the doctor had also wanted to do the operation when he did). In moments like those it's very hard not to question your decisions and blame yourself. I was in this foggy place...and old habits reared their head. I had my husband take the pink carnations my parents had brought the day she was born and the duffle bag with her homecoming outfit in it home. I thought about giving him everything and just shutting down...just as I did with Lilith-Ann. But then, I rallied myself, and I held onto her Baby Journal that I'm making with an entry every day to cover the journey of her first year. I needed to hold on and believe she would be coming home...I needed to write to her in the moment in the hopes my thoughts feelings and prayers would reach her. I went through so many feelings... pregnancy hormones amplifying them to a scale I hadn't experienced since Lilith-Ann. My husband had gone to make sure she was settled in...both of us were in shock. He was terrified for me, and how I was handling the situaiton, and for our daughter. No doubt, he again stood on the chasam of the abyss we had crossed together in 2014. I had started crying as soon as her peditrician said she was going to be moved to to the NICU at a different hospital because the one we were at was not prepared to handle the problem and were dragging their feet on doing tests...Michelle Annmarie was going to the same place where her older sister Lilith-Ann had died. The doctor who came from the other hospital to help transport her looked at me like I was bat-shit crazy when she saw my uncontrollable tears. After all, she assured Ross as she looked at me like I was a freak, it was a relatively minor problem. She kind of understood when I told her that my eldest daughter had died there in 2014. Ross was good at getting them to talk to him instead of me. The tears had subsided by the time my husband had left. That morning had started off so wrong. I'd had a night nurse that put a hospital gown on me filled with bleach that instantly turned my stomach into one big huge rash. Where the rash met the tape of the binding over the stitches of my c-section chemical burns formed. The rash and burns hurt more then the stitches. They told me the were trying to rule out a heart murmur and that there were a series of other tests they would perform. When my favorite nurse, Georgia, removed the binding it literally ripped open the blisters. The pain was agonizing as she removed the binding but I knew that it had to be done so I just grit my teeth (I had no idea I could ask for a opiod pain killer) as she removed the binding. I immediately went on Facebook and reached out to all of my prayer warriors. Hundreds of people (my friend Diana said thousands) started to pray for my baby girl. Being Discharged Luckily, I had a good nurse during the day. No one helped me to go to the restroom when I called at night. I had to force myself out of the bed. They didn't seem overly concerned. I was, one nurse told me, the most stable in the ward. They kept promising they'd help me take a shower but that never happened. Luckily, I had brought my own toothbrush and tooth paste. I forced myself to go about my normal routine. They were terrified of changing the bed sheets for fear that I would have an even more sever allergic reaction to new sheets. All the sheets were washed in bleach. Luckily I had brought a robe and so I mostly wore my pink robe along with my maternity bra keeping my tummy bear so that the rash could breath. Having it covered was incredibly hot, itchy, painful and when anything touched the skin it felt like a match was being held to my skin. I felt as though my tummy was on fire. Benadryl didn't work. So, they tried another allergy medicene and finally on the day I was discharged I was given a hydrocortizone cream that helped take the pain away. A few factors got me out of that hospital quickly. First, I didn't know I could ask for a stronger pain killer. If I had I probably would have been there longer because opiods make me throw up. I only asked for the opiod to sleep the night they took her and then one for the morning so I could endure the pain of walking and having layers of clothes over my rash including a pregnancy girdle. Second, I wanted to exclusively breast feed and when I asked the hospital staff to gather up the Colustrum (the first type of milk that comes in that's filled with antibodies which is exactly what she needed at that moment) the lactation consultant laughed at me. I continued to pump but the little tea spoons of colustrum, referred to as liquid gold, went ungathered. I even had to get up to rinse off the breast pump equipment myself because the nurses just wouldn't come when I called. Watching that valuable nutrition go down the drain was painful. I didn't have any pain from the c-section...just pain from the chemical burns and the rash. I give all the credit to my meditation exercises based on the Rosicrucian material Francesca Simon sent me. Doing those when in such severe pain and terrified for my daughter took a lot. I admit, it was really difficult to find my center. I only spent two days in the hospital instead of four. I needed to see my little girl at all costs. I left the hospital with the rash covered by the pregnancy girdle...which was hot and misreable but by finding my center...that sacred place within...I was able to detach from the pain and focused on what mattered most...my daughter Michelle. I was thankful for the milk band I purchased because I could keep track of the feedings and pumpings even when my mind was misty with pain and pain medication. The NICU I was so horrified seeing her in an incubator. She had bili lights over her because they said she had slight jaundice according to blood tests. I stared at her forlornly in the incubator. We were subjected to a questionaire that the nurse filled out asking our education level and a bunch of other probing quesitons. I didn't think anything of it. I had a great conversation with the nurses. One of them told me I needed to run my own business but I told her that Michelle was my dream and my focus. Then they said I could take her out of the incubator. I looked to my husband in shock. When Lilith-Ann was there I couldn't even touch her without her blood oxygen level and heart rate dropping dangerously. I was lucky just to hold her hand a couple of times. I had no idea that they would let me take Michelle out. The moment I held her all I could say as I cried was, "Mommy missed you so so much!" Ross captured the moment and I have this dazzling smile on my face. I realized she was going to be alright. I didn't care what anyone said. I sang to her a little song as I rocked her. I knew that touch and loving sound was important. My heart expanded and I imagined radiant golden light going to all of those babies in those incubators in that ward. I knew just by being present and centered I could help them. I made the commitment to only think positively. I now how powerful the written/verbal words can be and how powerful our thoughts. I didn't care if people were saying that she had a heart murmur or that her white blood cell count was just slightly abnormal...just like the jaundice was slight (as soon as the doctor saw my skin color the next day he had them turned off...mommy has a yellowish hue to her skin becuase I have a blue tint...and Michelle is fair skinned just like me). I would do everything in my power to create the reality I wanted... The Peditrician told me when she had failed the test said he believed it was a complication of the c-section. Normally, in vaginal birth the baby has the liquid in their lungs squeezed out by the pressure of going out throgh such a tiny hole. There was a murky area on her lung x-ray. I was told by one person it was the bottom of her left lung and another that it was the bottom of her right lung. I focused on the explaination that this was a minor complication due to the c-section and nothing more. I didn't tell anyone about the other two issues because I didn't want to allow for those possibilities. That first day...the one where I was discharged I only stayed a few hours. Ross hadn't slept at all the night before and we needed to get home. Ross helped me take a shower and he treated the blisters with an antibiotic which hurt so much...beacuse they were infected. He did a better job of treating the rash then anyone at the hospital. When I fell asleep that night it was deep and dreamless. Permitting Formula The next day right off the bat when we arrived at the NICU we were attacked. The woman covering for the nurse who was getting breakfast told us that Michelle had lost two ounces. All babies lose some weight when they were born. I stated that it was normal for the babies to lose some weight...2 oz's was nothing. My friend Diana told me her daughter had lost an entire pound while they were still at the hospital and no one there was worried! Then the nurse on duty, who's name I don't remember, told us with disgust that the breast milk that we gave her was only enough for one feeding. That's not what our resources online said or my books What To Expect When Expecting and What To Expect The First Year. There was about fifteen militers there and each feeding was to be two tablespoons. I tried to stick to my guns but I was in pain, scared and triggered beyond belief! The nurse started off by saying with a very big smile, "I heard you had other premies?" I wish I hadn't been in so much pain, so much emotional distress or stuck in a wheel chair. I felt so powerless and helpless in that moment. I told her about Lilith-Ann dying in the same NICU and she shrugged. No apology for asking a painful question when I was clearly already upset. No apology for the loss of my daughter. She had no empathy. She also asked us the same questions as the nurse the prevous night. When I said I had a Masters degree she asked in what, then she asked what school....as though I was lying. She bit off each word like it was a condemnation making me feel as though she blamed me for what was happening with Michelle when I had done everything in my power to make sure my little one was healthy since April. Long story short, the nurse informed us that until the doctor came by she couldn't feed my daugther...even the breast milk I had just pumped in the NICU. They were starving my daughter! Further she told me that Michelle was too active. She was fussing because she was starving! She had pulled out her IV more then once, pulled off her little eye mask and was scratching her face. I had brought socks to put on her hands, as the nurses the day before had suggested, but the nurse gave me this sour look and stuck up her nose as she tucked the socks into the drawer under the incubator. I said very loudly that the nurse must be lazy when she was on the other side of a partition as I was pumping for the second time (they are...and probably wanting the instant gratification of giving formula. I would say she wanted Michelle to go home so she was going for our daughter gaining as much weight as possible while in the NICU...but she sure didn't come off that way. Who attackes a mother who is in crisis?) The nurse kept insisting that formula was better for their digestive track. My research indicated the opposite. I was beyond upset at lunch. Everyone at the other hospital and my research said that my breast milk was adequate. Although, because no one collected colustrum the day before at the hospital she had missed out on half a days worth of colustrum. In fact, my breast milk had come in early! I was extremely upset that they wouldn't feed her my breast milk. I made the mistake of calling my mom who started yelling at me that Michelle was sick and that all three of her kids (including me) were exclusively formula. Already being in an emotinal state and feeling attacked. The last thing I had needed was my mom to attack me as well. So, I made the emotional decision of allowing them to give her formula. I needed to do what was best for my daughter and get her the hell out of there. The next few days I would be judged for every task. I changed her diaper, fed her and held her for 8 hours. I cried and stated very loudly that I must not be good enough even though the other hospital told me that my breast milk had come in early after telling them that they could give her formula. I knew she would have nipple confusion and it would make breast feeding nearly impossible. I can see why so many mothers throw in the towel and end up formula feeding. Breast feeding is a huge sacrfice of time, paitience and effort. I agreed to giving her formula beause I needed to do what was the best for her when I talked to the doctor...who at first attacked me as well (probably because the nurse had told him some nonsense) but the doctor allowed me to breast feed straight to Michelle. This scandalized the nurse who thought it was wrong but she said, "The doctor ordered it so I have to do it!" Michelle latched on and went to town...that would be the last time. We also got the wonderful news that she didn't have a heart murmur! The nurse was beyond happy that I had agreed to letting her give her formual. She gave Ross the formula to feed to Michelle first which really pissed me off because, at the very least, if she was worried my breast milk was not transported correctly...I had pumped right there in the NICU with their breast pump and she had been the one to put it in the fridge. The great thing was that Ross was the first one allowed to feed her and Michelle gave him the biggest smile! That was her first smile! I was a little jealous but it was a fantastic way for Dauhter and Daddy to bond. He has loved feeding her since then, which would have been impossible without the bottle, which is a blessing in many ways. So, there was a bright side to it. As we were leaving the nurse said loud enough to hear, "Breast feeding in the NICU is just not realistic." She also tried to force Michelle to eat a high volume of food...after being starved for nearly twelve hours!...In a very short period of time. As she said, "We have work to do her you can't just let her slouch and take as long as she wants." My daugther was only a couple days old...work is not something that should be on her mind at that age. Also, she stated that Michelle was going to have an aggressive barricuda style feeding. When I already knew that Michelle is a nip and napper. She drinks a little, sleeps a little, drinks a little and sleeps a little. That's easier on her tummy. She also stated something like, "One of my kids stayed in the NICU for a few days." I had no idea how to respond to that...I really couldn't find compassion in my heart at that moment. Even now the whole exchange makes me sick to my stomach. I can only pray she wakes up and learns how to be compassionate. I understand she thinks she's helping the babies and she was defending Michelle from bad parents or something...but she really needs a wake up call because she is so far from correct that it's horrifying. She's doing more harm then good. Kae Luckily, the third day were much better. I went in feeling defeated and didn't even feel like telling anyone Michelle's story...about how she's my little miracle baby. Yet, there was a volunteer that that drew it out of me. The nurse, Kae, told me, "God brought you here so you could have a good experience at the NICU." As I suspected, the nurse the night before had tried to feed Michelle too much too fast. My poor baby had thrown up a few times. I kept breast pumping, I had a ton of milk that we brought, and I pumped more while. The third day we were still waiting for the results of a a test tracking a high white blood cell count. However, I discoved that they had no idea that she had been vaccinated for Hepatitis B. Of course she had a 'slightly elevated' white blood cell count! Her nurse was very nice. Her name was Kae and she was from Thailand. We had a wonderful conversation about Thai food and Thailand (a friend of mine traveled there and Ross' Dad served in the army there). We received the wonderful news that moring. Michelle was completley off of the C-Pap because her blood oxygen had gone up and that they were just waiting to see how the blood culture to come back! They were still worried her breathing problem had been triggered by an infection. That afternoon we saw her doctor and learned also that the blood culture was negative! I figure they didn't know that she had her TB shot at the other hospital and the elevated white blood cell count was simply her body reacting to the vaccination...a normal and neccesary reaction which is the entire point of a vaccination! (sigh). The left hand wasn't talking to the right! I took it with a grain of salt. As my Dad had assured me (which were the very words I told him when Mom was in the hospital) to these people this was just a job. They did this every day and the rules are always being updated. You can't expect any of the nurses, who just have associates, to be good at their job or even to care. There are always bad employees at every company. However, the doctor wouldn't release her that day because they wanted a day of observation to make sure she was eating properly and gaining weight. We stayed at the hospital with her for hours. I breast pumped while there so that they would have an ample supply. She only seemed to throw up when she was given the formula so, this nurse who was compassionate and loving, stuck to the breast milk. Kam The next day when we arrived we found out that she had been moved to the 'toy box'. This was an area of the NICU that was not so serious. These babies were going to make it. Our nurse was Kam. She told us she loved Michelle because she smiled at her whenever she was fed. She also siad that Michelle was a beautiful baby because other people had to pay to look like her (there is this horrible fad in the asian community in Pasadena, for example, where they 'skin whiten' or wear blue eye contacts to look more caucasian...the billboards are up everywhere). Kam came over to give me a hug and congratulate me that Michelle had been moved to the toy box and told me if anyone complained that she was throwing up it was because they were feeding her and then immediately laying her back down. I continued to pump, paitiently feed her and held her for another eight hours. Kam referred to me as 'Super Mom.' The doctor came by and said she would be released first thing in the morning. I was over the moon happy. I asked if I could come in at 4:30 am and he laughed saying he didn't even get out of bed that early. Kam pushed through a second heraring test (Michelle had one performed at the previous hopsital but because she was on antibiotics at the new one they said she needed another one) so that Michelle could come home straight away. Kam was really sad to see her go and told me, "I expect you to bring me a boy in one year. It's God's will." Given that my husband and I plan on trying again in another year...putting the next baby being born in 2020 it was music to my ears to hear someone confirm that's the path I'm meant to take. The One Creator speaks to us in mysterious ways. I called the night nurse to see how she was doing. Of course the nurse said she had puked again. They probably hurried her through the feeding and gave her formula. They tried to tell me she wouldn't be allowed to go home the next day. Aside from confirmation that she passed her hearing test I ignored everything else the nurse had to say. I knew she would be coming home in the morning. The Day She Came Home We got there at the time they opened...7:30am. Sue, her nurse on the final day, of course, told me she didn't want to get my hopes up. She wouldn't agree that Michelle was coming home. She told him she had seen Dr. Goldstein change his mind. I ignored her negativity. No doubt she had seen parents be absolutely crushed when they thought the baby was going to be taken home and something happened. Pragmatisim, I suppose, based on experience. We had all of Baby Michelle's things ready to go. I refused to give up. I sang to her as we waited acutely aware that the baby behind me was ignored for at least fifteen minutes as he wailed at the top of his lungs and the nurses gossiped. I hoped that my voice would sooth him and eventually he did quiet. True to his word around 8:30am Dr. Goldstein arrived. He took a look at everything. I updated him about the hearing test and slight spit up the night before. He smiled, told me he just had to fill out the green sheet and we would be on our way. Of cousre, the nurse took the longest but she made sure we got a ton of supplies. She also gave me two little brochures for me to fill out for Kae and Kam nominating them for a 'Daisy Award' for outstanding service. Then they couldn't find anyone to take us down, I was required to be in a wheelchair (I offered the task to Ross but he said no...after all I was the one who needed the wheel chair after the c-section and he didn't want to see me over extend myself because I'm excited she's home) so Sue took us down. I told her I'd see her in 2020 and she said, "I hope your next baby doesn't come to us." I shrugged, "You never know." "Yeah, you never know," she agreed as I got into the car. I had come to terms with the NICU experience. Conclusion The last two months have been rough. I have given up all of the old baggage that didn't serve me. I realize now when I dreamt of Yeshua why there was a car trailer that was pulled out of my garage to make more room. In my garage they looked like party goers along with everyone else. When that trailer was pulled out, however, they looked like over decorated soldiers. I didn't get it then...but this was a sign I would let go of things to allow room for something new...at the dawn of a New Age. Yes, it was hard to let go of the outworn aspects from my previous cycles in this life (they might as well be entirely different lives) and entirely worth every moment. First, I faced my fears of her coming early like Lilith-Ann (I did far better with that first experience on June 29th). Second, I faced my fears of losing Michelle in the same way I lost Lilith-Ann. Seeing her hooked up to everything in that incubator was my worst nightmare. I didn't do as good as I would have liked for the second part. I fought a little with my husband and I could have more compassion for both of the nurses that I encountered that were terrible. Surely, they are in their career because they are passionate about it and I forgive them for being terrible at compassion and communication. I forgive the first hospital for the negative experience...it taught me I'm tougher then I know. My husband has been the best daddy ever. He's given me all of my hopes and dreams on a silver platter. How can I even slightly hold anything against him? The entire experience was a lesson in compassion and a learning experience for Michelle, Ross and I. The journey has already begun and it's been absolutely magical. Most of the nurses commented on the fact that Michelle Annmarie is going to be so loved. All that matters is that my little one is home...and as I said...I'm transformed by her presence. She's a little empath and mommy needs to be careful where she is mentally so Michelle doesn't pick it up. I'm going to be kept on my toes with this one! Like a snake shedding it's skin, the dung beetle that leaves it's dung ball in the sun to bring forth new life...I am reborn. Michelle and I have risen up like a phoneix from the flames and ashes that flared up around us. My life revolves around serving her and my husband now...and serving by writing this blog and doing my YouTube videos. After all, Michelle Annmarie was born during all of these fires where ashes from fires far away coated our car when we went to visit her. She literally rose up from the ashes stronger, happier and smarter then any baby I have ever encountered. I am exceedingly blessed to have this little miracle in my arms!
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Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
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