I've tried writing this about a dozen times.
The Path Is A Sprial, I learned this many years ago. I drew this piece back in 2006 when I lived in Big Bear. In all culstures, aroudn the world, the Spiral is the most ancient glyph that our ancestors left behind. Archeologists theorize it represented the Sun in all those cultures. The Zodiac is a Spiral and of course, the Ouroboros (which Wheel of TIme uses in their intro) lshows how energy is recycled in the material realm. Whether we are consuming plants or animals or basking in the Sun or simply breathing we are absorbing (Eating) the same On Thing that makes up all of Creation...the Serpent (energy) is consuming itself and there is no way not to consume energy on some level. That is why condeming consumerisim is really amusing. Even the rocks consume on some level-look at Brecciated Jasper that broke apart and then consumed Agate to become whole again. In the Zodiac we can see how energetic powers are recycled and revisited over and over again. We can see when the last astrological event occurred and what happened to know what lesson we are going to experience next. David Palmer, the Leo King, is the expert at research the history and sharing what happened the last time we hit that piont in the Spiral of Creaton. Overwhelmingly, my mind has been on how Bitter Sweet things can be in the human experience. Suffering is part and parcle of the human experience. The end of every story on Earth is sad because it is physical death and leaving people behind. Needless to say The New Moon brought a very tender feeling. I've also been contemplating the Goddess a lot but I will share that in a different post. I have some additonal thoughts after the post on Sophia and as Venus enters the Underworld and we enter a very Goddess heavy year. This month, because of the warning of a coming storm, I chose to get rid of a lot of distractions. I stopped watching Breaking Points (the news) and all of the Walt Disney World Stuff that I had been watching. I knew I needed a clear mind. I really wanted to be present in the moment and play more. I realized that I had been using all of that as a distraction to get through the end of the pregnancy and the bed rest. So, it had become a habit of escape. Well, by Divine Timing up came a huge amount of emotional stuff that needed healing. I touched on much of this in my Full Moon Mediation. I realized Saggitarius season is always tough for me and that makes sense because it's in my 12th House. A lot of important people in my life, as I shared in my Full Moon Mediation, are Saggitarian including the Husband who is Saggitarius Rising. I'm still digging into the why of the Saggitarius trigger. With the South Node in Saggitarius the last 18 months it's no wonder why it's been difficult. The kids are wonderful. Katie, our second daughter is sleeping through the night. Michelle has adjusted wonderfully to her baby sister. She sings and dances like the big fireball of energy that she has always been. My life is better then it has ever been. I've been happier then ever. Which is probably why I had a major deep wound come up for healing...I am in a strong place where I can handle it. Of course, this came up for healing when Neptune in Pisces squared the Sun in Saggitarius. The Sun in my 12th House being squared by Neptune in Pisces- the 12th House of the Zodiac. The 12th House is the House of Undoing. This after a New Moon Solar Eclipse in Saggitarius (or Ophichus but I covered that in my New Moon Post)...a Solar Eclipse representing the energy of letting go. Also, the Venus Retrograde in Capricorn Transit that kicks off with a conjunction to Pluto (happening the day I'm editing this) that is so reminiscent of the story of Persephone suggests I'm undergoing a major Transformation in my first House of Identity. In this transit where Venus literally becomes like a phoenix when she is Khazimi the Sun and is reborn as the Morning Star. So it is a big deal and what is being transformed in your life depends on the House it is in. I will touched on this a bit more in my Goddess Blog. As I explained in the post about the Nodes we are entering a Taurus/Scorpio period that is a double bind- transformation is going to happen either way. Taurus is the sign that Venus rules and one of the symbols for Scorpio is the Phoenix. So yeah...energetically this is the perfect storm. So I'm being extra careful with yself this Christmas as this is usally when I start having issues that lead to an evnetual break down. Physically Physically the recovery is a bit tougher and taken longer then it did with Michelle or Liltih-Ann. Maybe it's because I'm older, maybe because I had my ovarian tubes removed, or maybe it's that all of the inactvity because of bed rest means I have to rebuild my physical endurance slowly. Either way, it's definitely taking me a while to get going again. At first I was really pushing myself. So, I slowed way down. The Husband, like many people, is still on Fast Forward which is making things difficult. We are on totally different wave lengths. Even then I over did things decorating for Christmas. My eldest wanted to put everything out and I was so excited about having her help me that I did (the husband does not decorate with me- even for Halloween- it's all me so it was super fun to have her help and be excited. Decorating for Christmas was something I shared with my Mom so it was a dream come true). Well, that caused me to hemorrhage blood- bad enough that other people probably would have gone to the hospital. Having had surgeries in the uterus area before and having had the same thing happen twice before (technically 4 times- one of which required a transfusion but twice with the Husband) we knew it was a waste of time and money so we handled it at home. If it hadn't sropped after a day I would have gone to the hospital. The Husband knew about it and I just stayed off my feet for a few days but it was a clear indication of my limits. Christmas Songs I realized I can't listen to the lyrics of the old Christian Religious Songs. They make me almost physically sick because they are so wrong. All I hear is Rome declaring that they rule the planet. They emphasize the worst dogma of that religion with no iota of what Jesus actually taught. They make it sound like he was a Warrior King that subdued the Earth. He did no such thing. Realizing that made me feel so sad. I know a lot of people are still very much in tune with those songs and lyrics giving up their personal power to an Earthly authority and completely missing out on the message of Oneness Consciousness. What I'm Watching Right now I'm watching the Wheel of Time and Hawkeye series. The Husband and I wake up at 3am when Katie needs a bottle (she sleeps for six hours straight so that's sleeping through the night). We watch them while our three year old, Michelle, is still sleeping. If we have them on the TV when she's up she will talk through them or become scared during fight scenes...then have nightmares. I wrote a review of Wheel of Time already that you can check out. That was one of the things the Husband and I connected on when we first met. He had read a few of the books (apparently at some point in his life he read books but in the 13 years I've known him he's only read one- a technical book on mixing music). So that is a treat, on one hand, but I don't like the dark style so I have a love/hate relationship with it. So far Hawkeye is OK. He has alway sbeen one of my favorite chareceters (the archery seris coming out during Saggitaris us really fun to me-I love Divine Timing) but it has just begun so I'm not sure what to think yet. I will write a review when it's over. We are in a very exciting time with the MCU because of the Multiverse and Crossovers finally happening. I've been primarily watching ASMR videos and Acuyta Bhava Das and Anastasia The Cosmic Astrologer. Those are the only astrologers I'm tuning into regularly these days. Coyotoe Star only puts out videos for the New and Full Moon. Rick Levine only does videos once a month. I no longer subscribe to the Leo Kings High Vibe because I prefer to spend the money elsewhere and poor David seems to be self-destructing. I really hope he pulls through. I've been watching a lot of Cassie Spires who does sound bath videos and it's been very healing. She has come to many of the same spiritual conclusions as myself but in a very different way. Of course, she's a Saggitarius Rising. I highly recommend checking her channel out on YouTube as it's still growing and I listen to this 7 chakra tuning fork video every morning: https://youtu.be/6-CQOtuHEfA Tuning Forks are the most effective sound healing method for me right now and before Cassie I don't think anyone was doing them justice. I still love Tibetan Singing Bowls and a lot of people are doing those these days. Temple Sounds is still my favorite for singing bowls (I prefer the sound of the brass ones) but I love Healing Vibrations (they use crystal singing bowls) and I just discovered Mei-Lan: https://youtu.be/Ea-D3ihfHXk I wanted to work on my Heart Chakra because I wasn't able to tap into the love I've always been able to before. I thought it was an endless well but I was really shut down. So, I was searching for a Tuning Fork Heart Chakra video and found Cassie. I find her work very healing. I'm also doing Yoga every morning and evening. I love Yoga with Adriene. She has this wonderful Let It Go Yoga video: https://youtu.be/iIHCWMplHsw Also, for people like me that have a hyperactive Heart Chakra Jillian (Lune Innate) has a wonderful video: https://youtu.be/PHwbwgxVvFc Dreams I had a series of dreams. All of it started with a dream where I was asked if I wanted to repeat a lesson I learned with the ex-husband. This took me by surprise. First, because I forget that period of my life happened. I often forget that I was with anyone before Ross. Then, listening to Acuyta Bhava Das I realized the Taurus/Scorpio axis occurred on 2003-2004. That was a very difficult bad time in my life. That freaked me out a bit. That's how bad that period of time was for me...it was totally destructive. So, I desperately tried to work out what the lesson was so I did not repeat it. In one dream I was at work decorating a castle resort on top of a mountain for Christmas. I found myself giving a Bull Headed person a facial instead of decorating and realized I had missed out on getting the Pre-lit Christmas Tree I wanted (I guess we got to take home one decoration). The Bull Headed person probably represents someone I know who is stubborn and eathy. The Pre-lit Christmas tree represents the kundalini activated Kabblah Tree of Life (which is parallel to the Chakra system)System. Working on top of a Mountain (an important symbol in the Tarot) probably is indicativeof the Spritiual Work that I do. The message: I was missing out on enlightenment by serving someone materialistic. In another dream, I saw my Great Grandma Emma but she looked like a zombie with flesh dripping off and bones protruding. I told her I knew a healer that could help her but she said no. She told me she had saved my Bamboo plant. I looked over to see that a Bamboo plant was in a vase with two gold fish that I had saved that were trying to eat each other by nipping on one another (I used to have dreams about trying to save fish in tanks that always exploded and they were, apparently, from those tanks). As I watched the Bamboo belched a toxic cloud of poison into the water. I used my magic to seperate the Bamboo tree from the water and fish by suspending it above the vase and the water immediately cleared. The Message: My Grandma Emma is a symbol for me of the Animal Soul/Body. That's the lower three chakras. The fish are fears. She was very materialistic and did not want to leave her Earthly body (I took care of her the final week of her life) she didn't really believe in an afterlife. She thought she was her body. She didn't want to be cremated because it made her think of hell- the Christian religion teaches that the body of believers will be resurrected like Jesus's did when he returns which is why she wanted her body preserved. For them, people don't die and go to heaven, instead they sleep until his return. This dream took some time for me to figure out. I realized the Bamboo represented the Buddhist belief system. Part of that still resonates with me but for the most part I've stepped out of that preferring the Kabbalah and even Bhakti Teachings more. The water is consciousness or the mind. The vase is my "subtle energy body" as it were...the waters of the Creator flow through the Chakra System. Message: Something about the Buddhist teachings that I hold was literally poisoning my mind. The fish are two fears I have preserved that may be incompatible. Finally, I found myself returning to the dream about those lower chakras that depicted each as a room that I have shared before. In that dream my lower three chakras were cleared by my Inner Child. But my Heart Chakra was not. My Heart Chakra was filled with heavy furniture I had accepted from other people and a big yellow janitors Mop. The Mop was filthy and the water was dirty. I was so tired from doing things for others I was too tired to bother cleaning it. My bed was metal with a thin mattress that looked very uncomfortable. The Message: I live from my heart, serving others, taking on their burdens and punishing myself (uncomfortable bed). As I contemplated these three dreams the message was clear- I needed to focus on myself and stop my martyr like complex of trying to save others from themselves. In Buddhisims there is a major emphasis on Service to Others and an austerity to one's self. A sense of service to others is great but any extreme is bad. Out of a sense of service, believing that is the epitome of spiritual behavior, I was making a couple of mistakes. I've always been in romantic relationships with people who are self-destructive. I've realized the Husband doesn't need to be saved. He is really good at taking care of himself. Thank goodness. Yet, I have been putting my needs, desires and wants on the back burner so he can complete the projects he agreed to for his friend...then I realized I've always done that in our relationship. I've been sacrificing myself so he can get things he wanted denying my needs and exhausting my energy. I realized that there will be something else that he will want...he's already announceds his next two projects. The funny thing is he doesn't realize what I was doing and quite frankly I was so busy focusing on having kids I didn't realize it either. So, not only did he not appreciate my sacrifices..he was clueless it was happening and took it entirely for granted. Here are two examples. For our wedding my parents gave me a set budget. I worked my butt off making everything myself, buying a used wedding dress at a consignment shop and it was an awesome wedding that people praised. I even inspired my friend Jenn for her own unique wedding. I was sick and had to do all of the decorating on my own (some people kind of helped) and I was totally alone in taking down the decorations the day of...and I was super sick. The next day I would go to the Urgent Care and find out I had Bronchitis. I had worked so hard and done so much for my Wedding alone that I made myself sick. Well, everyone but the Husband's friend Angel (an ex-girlfriend) thought it was great. She was part of the wedding party (a Bridesmaid on the Husbands side) but she complained about the wedding being in Yucaipa, a red neck area that was below her (it was a beautiful location called the Old Church Club. My sister knew the owner and I was on a severe budget). So I unfriended Angel on Facebook. That caused her to have a melt-down with the Husband. I went to bed early on my wedding night on my period and super sick...and he stayed up late to talk to his ex-girlfriend (he did end the relationship that night). So romantic and loving right? Then the Father In Law said we could have our dream Honeymoon. The Husband asked me what it was and I let him work out the details. I said a Cruise of the Greek Islands. Well, the Husband priced it out and got the money from his parents. Then things went wrong. We got the wrong type of passport and then he was wrong about the price of the airplane tickets...so he asked if I could settle for using most of the money on buying the motorcycle he always wanted and going on a cheap honeymoon. I agreed and the Honeymoon was an epic road trip a little over a year after we were married but it was not romantic or relaxing and went a bit wrong. Those are two examples of how I gave on an extreme level and received very little. I wasn't able to see it or put it into words at the time being caught up in it and working a lot (I was working full time and going to college full time) but as I look back on that if a stranger told me those stories I would tell her that those were red flags. Sadly, I didn't have any friends or family raise the alarms. I did a similar thing with the ex-husband and the ex-fiancee. (I've been in three serious relationships in my life). The Husband is a great guy. We've achieved a lot together and I can't imagine life without him. I love him very much and truly my focus was on doing whatever it took to have kids. So when he had a five year plan and had to have a house...I helped him achieve those goals. Of course, it took 13 years to have both kids that we wanted and a lot of challenges with me doing all of the heavy lifting (it was my body, he told me at one point, and he was okay settling for no kids if it wasn't physically possible. I had to fight with all of my might alone...he just sort of tagged along and was present lol. I did the research, found the right doctor, and obviously underwent the surgeries). At the end of the day, now that I have the kids that I sacrificed so much for I'm not willing to settle or sacrifice anymore. They are only young once. I don't want to put off doing all ofthe cool stuff with them while we can. In some ways it is a second child hood for me. High Heart Pain To figure out why I'm so self-sacrificing I went deeper. I mean, I didn't even question some of the stupid things I did at the time (and even my parents weren't looking out for me). Listening to Cassie she taught that the upper shoulder pain is the High Heart. That's deep childhood trauma and pain. My childhood was very painful and lonely. As a second child my paren ts thought I would be a boy- not a girl. When my brother was born he was the only one my Dad paid attention to showering him with a lot of extra attention and expensive gifts(hence why my brother never left home or worked for anyone else but my parents). They bought my sister and brothers first cars. I paid them for their used car which happened to cost exactly the amount of money I had in my savings account. I was also the only kid to get a job at sixteen on my own without prompting. Further, I had trouble making friends. My first best friend ditched me for a new girl. Then they mocked and harassed me because I stunk because my parents were smokers. I sought out the furthest portions of the playground to get away from them. My sister always hated me. My mother never had time for me...she had more important things to do like cleaning the toilet on the same day every week. She also beat the crap out of me with a Razor Stap when I did anything bad (like breaking her favorite ash tray or not cleaning my room every night). She regrets not spending more time focusing on us kids. Even now when she is retired she doesn't have time to talk to me- watching the news is more important. She also went out of her way to tell me the reason she came back after having an NDE when she was put on a ventilator (that her lung doctor said she would not survive) was for my Dad and no one else. My brother was there when we were kids but I don't know him as an adult. He's the only person I ever got into a physical fight with. All because I was doing something my parents didn't want me to do- but this was well over a decade ago. So, yeah, I'm releasing a lot of pain around the trauma of these experiences. I hate to even talk about them. I forgave my family a long time ago because they were doing the best they could with what they had. I'm an extremely sensitive empath that gets hurt very easily. So, I've closed myself off and I don't share that part of myself with anyone...including my husband. I think I always wanted to be rescued so I tried to rescue everyone else (not my husband though- I never felt that way about him). Resigning From Helping Others I quit social media because I realized it was draining. I supported and commented on a lot of other people's posts but no one reciprocated. I don't chase after people to be my friends. I prefer text messaging because I'm so sensitive that I don't like talking on the phone or in person. I realized I was doing the same thing with YouTube. Boosting people's channels with comments and likes to help with the algorithm. I've seen many really grow exponentially. Yet, it is draining. So, I'm glad I took a break from all but the healers who give to their viewers. Learning To Receive I quite honestly don't know how to just receive from others. I have been so dependent on myself and capable of doing things for myself that I have managed not to really "need people." I hate asking for help and want to do everything on my own without complaining. I don't want to be a burden on others. I also see friends as burdens. In fact, I realized that is a core issue. I don't want to need someone or want someone to need me. When I did have friends they would tell me all of their issues and dump on me all of their pain but if I tried to lean on them during difficult times they were not there. Now, I think we need to work through our pain and not try to transfer it or project it on someone else. But I think we should be able to discuss it in order to heal it. Naming something is the first step in healing it and it's more powerful to do so with another human being. Truth be told I don't really know how to receive- how to accept help. I'm a bit better at it these days but that's definitely something I'm working on. Thing is, aside from the Healers on YouTube, I've never encountered people who give. As a giver myself (to my detriment obviously which is why I never chose to be a healer- I found it draining) I've always felt alone. In my perception of the world the majority of people are takers. They say, "What's in it for me?" I realized it's the people that I have loved the most that have hurt me the most. Even in Past Lives...so this is a multiple life issue that I'm healing. (In the last life the boyfriend who threw me into the ocean to drown after I was stabbed in the stomach, in another life sacrificing as a single mother in the 1900's to raise an ungrateful daughter, etc). I have a very real fear of allowing myself to receive and feel that love because of the vulnerability. I have been hurt very deeply by so many for so long that it's hard to let go of that fear. I even had a nightmare- the night after I did a meditation to open all of my chakras sending the energy back to where it had come from. In the dream my husband was giving away everything in our house. Now my husband usually represents my Ego or Conscious Mind. Clearly in this dream I was my subconscious. I tried fighting people off but they were undeterred. Then I ran upstairs to my closet where there were two sets of dresser drawers and pointed to a black set saying, "My parents gave me those. Don't you dare take them away from me." Knowing heavy furniture from other people means it's an emotional burden that didn't belong to me I was a bit horrified my soul wasn't willing to let go of what was clearly not healthy. That's when I realized I've always been open to taking on other people's pain (in an attempt to heal them) but not to receiving their love...so that's really the only "things" my soul has received. So when I did the meditation sending the energy back to their source my soul was like, "I'm not going to have anything if you do that!" Conclusion That's where I'm at in my journey. Physically a bit of a mess after the c-section and having my tubes removed. Running low on physical energy and emotional energy. I am meditating on the question, "How do I build a beautiful heart room?" Clearly, it's not selfless service to others. I've done that and been there- even in other lives. I also realized that feeling isolated my entire life really pushed me down my Spiritual Path and to building my relationship with the Creator. If I had found someone who fulfilled that connection for me I probably wouldn't have started walking the Path of the Seeker. Clearly, I suck at relationships. I can't be a good Companion to the Creator if I suck at relaionships. This solves a recurring theme in my dreams of being a college graduate but still in High School. I knew something simple was missing. I have an idea of how to open myself to being receptive and it doesn't involve other people. Instead, it's feeling loved by the Creator. After all, everything that makes up my reality is from the Creator. Feeling gratitude and love for everything...seeing that glass of water as a loving thoughtful gift from the Creator, for example, and receiving it that way. Even that, I have realized, is difficult. I can feel the gratitude for the glass of water but allowing myself to feel loved and that it was provided out of love is hard. I feel uncomfortable so I push that feeling away. I'm independent to a fault. Even in my dreams I can Create without the Creator a fact that has gotten me into trouble. I would rather create for myself then receive from the Creator becaue I don't even want that debt (yes, when someone gives to me I feel I owe them something which is a belief my parents hold- they don't ever give things without expecting something in return- a trait the husband hates). When I give, however, not only do I expect nothing in return...I don't want anything in return because I dontdon't want go owe anything. So, I'm being gentle with myself. I recognize this is a very deep difficult subonscious soul wound I'm dealing with. I honestly don't know if I can heal this one because I'm not sure where to begin.
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Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
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