I originally made a video in July that I meant to share this weekend. In it I played the Tibetan Singing bowls that my husband bought for me for my Birthday. I was very pregnant. That was not the fun part of being pregnant! I watched the video and saw how swollen I was and out of breath and decided to do a fresh Travelers Notes.
I tried to film the video in the early morning before the little one woke up but that didn't happen. All week she woke up when Daddy got up at 5:30am! Usually she slept in until 8am (heck I'm just happy she sleeps through the night at four months!). So, that didn't happen. I ended up using my laptop camera because my phone camera didn't want to behave. As I said, I learned that the microphone that came with the laptop is terrible. I don't think you can hear much of the tapping or water sounds. I will be integrating ASMR elemennts into the Travelers Notes videos. I do need to practice whispering and, hopefully, in the future I'll have some time in a quiet place to myself to record. We shall see! Either way, sharing the events of this year was important to me. This year was defintely the Road of Trials. I ovecame so many of them but a better word would be dissolved ...and in many ways it was a repeat of 2014. I really felt like I was in that movie called Ground Hog Day. As I said, though, because I applied my spiritual lessons I was able to pass those tests this time and achieve the results I desired. I gave up a lot, but as I say in the video, when you let go of a lot it means something great is coming in. On another note, I will be self-publishing a book called the 7 Code on Amazon at the start of the year. I will be breaking down the Paths of 7 I'm covering into a series of books. So, you can look forward to that! I'm really excited about it and it's pretty much written. I just need to do some editing, create the book cover and then submit it. I meant to have the book done by Christmas but something major came up. I discovered that my husband was addicted to shopping. He was doing a lot of shady things to keep it up. He spent over ten thousand dollars in the last six months on things just for himself that he didn't need such as an extra drum set, several guitars and a bunch of other nonsense. I caught it just before we ended up in the poor house. That too was a repeat of what happened in 2014 in a lot of ways. Back then he had told me I couldn't eat out while I waws pregnant because we didn't have the money but he was eating out and going to 7/11 a lot for slurpees. This was very similar. That in particular, this year, was a really tough experience. I went and seized the funds in our account and put them in an account that was solely mine. He admitted the lies. This too was the fruition of a dream I had in July about a Cow coming out of the water. That dream was symbolic and applies to many levels...in the dream it was the end of my Ego (my husband in my dreams is my Ego) so it applies on both a inner level and an outer level. Usually, I've discovered, when we go through a change on an inner level it manifests in the outer level as well. I didn't realize I was the cash cow and that my husband had been using me for money. He was telling me that we didn't have any money for anything I wanted to do (he's really puzzled by the kitchen remodel- he's not sure how he agreed to that and since he handled the negotiations I was shocked and horrified when he demanded why we remodeled the kitchen). I know he can't control his sweet tooth if there is candy in the house...he'll just sit and eat an entire bag of candy non-stop without really tasting it. Seems he's the same way spending with money. I didn't put this in the video because he *might* watch the video. I highly doubt he'll read this blog, however, as he hasn't read it in the past. He feels bad and guilty for what he did but given that he has done this for years- perhaps even from the moment I moved in with him- I don't know. Like a junkie he will try to exert his control over me but I don't think he can grasp how much I've changed. I was surprised I forgave him. I divorced the ex-husband over a very similar issue. Once trust is lost it's hard to be in relationship. However, I love the life I have with him. I know that spend thrift and hateful person isn't what he is at his core. He might never realize that essence in this life because he's so materially focused but as long as he lets me handle the money from now on...we should be able to continue. I also think a great deal of the issue came from his very negative friend who came over for band practice every Sunday. My husband was spending 9 hours practicing their 'band music'. In three years they have yet to complete a song. His friend hates spirituality and there have been a few times I was horrified the hate my husband expressed towards missionaries (he literally runs from them) and even around family members. I was talking to his cousin about chakras and he had to interject that he didn't believe in that nonsense in such a hateful way both of us looked at him aghast...apparently, he hadn't caught that she had gone to a Hindu temple in Cambodia. Another time when some family members prayed at Thanksgiving he said very hatefully, "Don't push your beliefs into my famly tradition." He was not like that even two years ago. Since he was spending so much time working on music he bought a lot for the fixer upper house we bought but never completed the work. He's been working on a bathroon upstairs for over a year. That was a project that would have taken my father a couple weekends. He was also eating out twice a week with his friend...but if I suggested eating out somewhere I wanted or for him to bring home food...he refused saying that we didn't have the money. Music, and his friend, were the prirority over his family...and specifically me- even when I was on bed rest during my high risk pregnancy. He did far better this time then he did with Lilith-Ann (he was extremely harsh and controlling of my diet during my first pregnancy for some reason) but there was a side of him- this spend thrift wanting-to-impress-his-friend side of him that was still cruel. The same goes with his personal music which he's been playing for thirty years. He's never completed a song and released it. He always justified spending a LOT of money on his music equipment by saying that he would make money on it one day. When I met him he only owed an old guitar he bought from a friend's dad for $50. I bought him his first drums set. I do love him dearly. But I will never forget the utter and complete selfishness that he displayed. Choosing to buy a $900 glock (a type of handgun) to impress friends and co-workers he was shooting with while telling me we couldn't afford to buy baby clothes for our daughter that she needed...well, that drew the line. I'm just done trying to save or support him. He needs to do that for himself. The most important duty and job I have right now is to the little girl sitting next to me right now. She requires a mother that is a good role model. He agreed with me staying home because it would cost more for me to work and have our daughter taken care of- again, a purely selfish financially motivated decision- and that is the best choice. I like the life we have built together. Yes, it could be better and he's working on those house projects he bought all of the stuff for...and it should have been a lot better than this. We should have been able to change our outdoor patio into a den....it was going to be his 'recording studio' (another excuse to spend money that he justified that it would bring in revenue one day but it clearly wasn't his true goal) but he blew all of the money that was supposed to be spent on that. Apparently, a recording studio asn't really his priority. At least, I got my Kitchen and my Chevy Cruze. I realized a very important lesson this year...that I will never give my power away, in the form of money, to anyone ever again. I am the sole soverign of my life. The government, my husband nor anyone else has the right or the ability to control me. If I give them that ability...it's my fault if they abuse that power. I'm taking my power back and he will never control me again. I mostly l let him control me out of laziness, I guess, and I was so distracted by everything else in my life. A part of me, I admit, did not want to see what he was doing or admit it. Some of us can handle power and work to serve the entire collective....some of us cannot. I will also never try to save anyone else ever again. With my husband I was trying to make up for an unhappy childhood where he felt neglected (second relationship where I did that one!). With my best friend I was trying to show her that she was sacrficing her marriage in attempt to save her mother...Yeah, I was a bit of a hypocrite. People must choose to save themselves. The Inward Journey of Self-Realization is a solo experience. A person can only do it on their own and must do the work for themselves. No one can do the work for them and no one owes them anything if they choose not to do the work. If this had happened before 2018, or in a different series of events where I had not quit my job and the idea of a being a stay at home mom hadn't grown on me...I probably would have left him. Talk about a Divine Blueprint! don't think I would have been able to forgive him even two years ago. If I hadn't done all of the personal work I wouldn't have been able to be 'the bigger person' as he called it. He admitted if the roles had been reversed he would have divorced me. I also don't think I would have been as bold to go and seize the funds in our account. I had a dream that I was at Disneyland and the new area had been revealed...but it was the same old rides just done up with new paint and I was so disappoited. I wanted new experiences...and here was the same thing just slightly looking different. The question in the dream was, "Is this what you want?" The answer was no and that was the day I realized what was going on...that it was the repeat of what I had faced with the ex-husband and with this husband in 2014. I meditated on it, realized I still wanted to be with him, still wanted the life I had with him, and I knew I need to seize control of our funds and open my own account. I called my father just to hear him say what I knew I had to do...and then I did it. If it led to a divorce or a huge fight...I let go of my fear and did it anyway because it had to be done. Surprisingly, my husband seemed relieved...the big burden of sneaking around was gone. He's still not entirely honest with me. He has continued to tell me multiple lies about the past. I've caught him in time, though, and the path I prefer is to be a stay at home mother, living in a house with a mortgage that's super affordable, and to have a second child. I just have to keep an eye on him and he understands that the trust will take years to restore. He acts as though it hurts every time I question him and demand a receipt for his expenses or to spend money (requirements he placed on me before- only I had to ask every time I spent a dollar and most of the time he told me no)...but as I have learned pain gives people a reason to change. His Dark Night of the Soul is an opportunity. I do not feel sorry for anyone going through a Dark Night of the Soul because that is the call of Spirit and it is Sacred Fertile Ground for self-development. I choose not to inhibit anyone from an opportunity of self growth. Looking back though, as I said, I feel triumphant. Every single scary fear I had...just laid to waste. Gone.
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Brave Soul! May Your Journey On The Path Of The Seeker Bring You Joy and Peace! I'm currently posting every Saturday. With a new addition the family I have pre-scheduled most posts through December 2022. Full Moon Posts will contain up-to-date content when I can get to them. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is a place where you can encounter new spiritual ideas that have helped me develop as an Individual On The Path of the Seeker. Take or Leave this information as you see fit. Archives
April 2024
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